Why everyone needs their own ‘divorce angel’
As Angelina Jolie reveals the strain of her marriage split, Lauren Libbert rejoices in a service that could ease the pain
I have never been a huge fan of Angelina Jolie, but it was hard not to feel some empathy for the Hollywood actress this week when she talked about her divorce for the first time. Her lower lip trembled and eyes filled as she described her sadness and how this was “a very difficult time”. Even with her hefty bank balance, numerous homes and bevy of advisers, she was clearly suffering from the bruises of a marriage breakdown.
But then, divorce is a scalding experience for anyone. I should know – I separated from my husband a year ago, and the complex, mind-boggling legal, financial and emotional process of splitting our joint lives is the hardest thing I have ever undertaken. It is a gargantuan feat. You are entering uncharted territory and can feel terrified and alone. Will we have to move? Is there enough money to go round? Will our two children be OK? These are just some of the thoughts that charge around my head like a faulty firework at 3am.
You’d think that with 42 per cent of marriages now ending in divorce, the process would be simple and consumerfriendly. Nothing could be further from the truth.
I am a financially astute 46-year-old woman. I have bought and sold homes, controlled the family finances and always earned my own money, but the divorce process has, at times, left me undone.
Research by the Berkshire law firm Gardner Leader, conducted last year among 2,000 divorced and married couples in England and Wales, found that 18 per cent of couples were co-existing to avoid the cost and stress of divorce, and I’m not surprised.
Divorce is complicated from the get-go. At first, I couldn’t even find the right lawyer. None of my friends were divorced and the recommendations that came through second-hand seemed only to offer Rottweiler-style presentation at an eye-watering hourly cost, which didn’t suit the amicable nature of our split or the state of our finances. When I did find a lawyer, he bombarded me with forms and requests for information about assets, liabilities, house prices, doing his job perfectly well but leaving me dizzy and often hyperventilating under a mound of paperwork.
At this point, I could have just taken to my bed and wept but, thanks to my fiercely supportive family and friends, I trudged on, seeking advice on a piecemeal basis, drawing up list after list of household income and expenditure, spending hours on the phone to my bank and building society, eventually thrashing out a settlement my husband and I were happy with. While we’re now nearly out the other end, I still find it shocking that divorce is such a traumatically complex process, and mine wasn’t even adversarial.
“I need a divorce doula!” I’d cry to my friends, after a run of sleepless nights. Like pregnant women use doulas (women who advise them throughout pregnancy and birth), I needed someone to hold my hand through the entire baffling process of marital breakdown.
So it was truly heartening to hear of the recent launch of a revolutionary new advice service set up by three women with differing areas of expertise on divorce, who call themselves the Divorce Angels. The trio are Sue Atkins, ITV This
Morning’s parenting expert; Jo Read, financial adviser and author of the divorce manual Suddenly Single; and Nicky Ingram, an independent divorce consultant.
Sue and Nicky are divorced and Jo is separated, so they know first-hand how it feels to be emotionally and practically stranded. Their idea is to bring their own, unique perspectives to their three-pronged divorce consultation service.
“We want women to understand what will happen to them from a legal, financial and parenting perspective,” says Nicky. “When I divorced 16 years ago, I had two small children and made many of my decisions in a panic. If I was more informed, I might have made better choices.” Sue went through a divorce four years ago and remembers how disorientating the whole experience is. “You’re like a rabbit in the headlights, you can’t think straight for worrying,” she says. “Ground yourself in advice. First, see a lawyer and find out your rights, then try to detach yourself emotionally and write down what you want to get out of all this, in a perfect scenario.
Even with her hefty bank balance, Angelina was clearly suffering from the bruises of a broken marriage
This will give you a sense of confidence and hope at what is a time of high stress and anxiety.”
The main mistakes she sees are people rushing headlong into proceedings or relying only on a solicitor. “It’s essential to be empowered with knowledge,” says Sue. “Invest in a financial planner, so you can discuss all your financial options. See it as an investment. If you decide to sell the marital home when the children reach 18, for example, consider whether you really want to be taking on a new mortgage in your mid-fifties. Will you even get one? Being poor at 70 was a driving fear in the advice I sought.”
With more than 25 years experience as a parenting expert, Sue believes that to divorce well, you have to keep your children’s welfare at the forefront of your mind – “it’s not divorce that damages children, but the level of conflict they experience” – and putting a picture of them on the table between you and your husband during any parenting discussions will help. “The picture forces you to think about how your children would feel about the decisions you’re making, rather than playing a game of tit for tat.”
While Nicky’s 14 years of experience in the divorce courts means she can explain every step of the legal procedure and advise women on what to expect, financial planner, Jo thinks it’s essential women familiarise themselves with their finances from the outset and find the right support.
“Emotional and financial anxiety can run riot, so it’s important to find an adviser who specialises in divorce and, if pensions are involved, a pensions specialist,” she explains. “A good place to start is findanadviser.org. I ask clients to think about five different pots for the different stages of their lives – what do they need for the next one to 12 months, one to three years, three to five years, five to 10 years, and when they retire? It puts the milestones in front of them and allows them to see the long-term picture.”
Wise words. My husband and I were able to work out arrangements for the children amicably between us, But now I know this service exists, if I do ever marry again I’ll know who to go to if it all goes belly up. The first Suddenly Single surgery will be held on April 2 at Nuffield Priory Hotel, Surrey. It includes a one-hour one-toone consultation with each of the three Divorce Angels at a cost of £997. They are also planning an overnight retreat in September. For more information, visit suddenlysingleretreats.com