The new clean rules (for normal people)
The clean rules for normal people
Oh dear. The issue of hygiene in the home, or how often you should clean what. There’s a fixed time scale for everything, according to Good
Housekeeping (eg, oven once every three months) but the truth is, we all have wildly varying standards of domestic cleanliness. I have friends who balk at shoes indoors, and others who would happily dry the dishes with the same cloth they’ve just used to open the dog’s jaws (to give it its worm pills).
There are plenty of people who think it’s poncey to fuss about muddy paws on the duvet, and others who Wet-Wipe the wheels of their child’s pram before bringing it indoors. (True story. I’ve seen a woman in my street doing exactly that. A fresh wipe for every wheel.) The point is, the rules of normal clean are far from clear – so here goes.
First thing to know, there are only three areas that you need to worry about: the bedroom, the bathroom and the kitchen. The bits in-between, who cares, really? And if you’re washing your doormat once a month (as recommended by the experts), don’t read on.
Bedroom
It’s well known that a civilised person expects clean sheets once a week, and in no circs do you want to sleep in someone else’s old sheets. That said, everyone knows you can finesse this one. Family sharing sheets doesn’t count. Non-family small children (ie, not sweaty) do not count. Only the bottom sheet really counts (who changes the duvet cover for a onenight stopover?) You wouldn’t put anyone in a teenage boy’s sheets, mind you. That would be almost criminal. Re: bedding, sorry, but who has ever vacuumed their mattress, with the possible exception of Anthea Turner? Who cleans their pillows, ever? Who even cleans under the bed, when that would mean standing the bed on one end and enlisting the help of a neighbour? That said, it is normal to draw the line at a stainy carpet. Because what is that stain? Harmless peanut butter dropped by someone’s toddler a few years back? Or something less charming? Unless you can account for the stain (hearsay does not count) and have worked at it for some time with Dettol, not clean enough.
Kitchen
We’re all kitchen cleanliness hypocrites. You may polish your hob to gleaming, while at the same time being fully aware that a chunk of chorizo is lodged in the not-easily-get-attable place behind the fridge. (Also down there: half an onion, a butter paper, four grapes and a tax disc.) The only truly unacceptable dirt in a kitchen, however, is: slimy J-Cloths and ancient green scouring pads with hairs stuck in them; dirty tea towels (that have been used to mop up stuff, not just food, frequently off the floor); and oozing fridges.
What doesn’t matter at all: volcanically encrusted oven gloves; permanently soaking pans (within reason. If in doubt, keep adding fun bubbles); and grubby glasses. In our house, people often say “Could I have a clean glass?” To which the answer is “No, sorry”. Because, although we have changed dishwashers three times in 10 years, the dishwasher makes things 10 per cent dirtier, so the glasses are always moonstone murky and encrusted with flecks that might have been baked on in a kiln.
Bathroom
You want this to be pretty clean, let’s face it. Absolute no-nos in the bathroom include: dirty bath mat (eew, gritty); mould in the shower; a dirty loo or loo brush; and pee stains/actual pee around the loo. (Sorry but there is nothing to be gained by dodging the issues.) Generally speaking, what normal people do to avoid all of the above is practice rigid segregation of the sexes and, if at all possible, have a separate man bathroom. That’s the only way to guarantee basic standards of cleanliness. Well known.
‘You wouldn’t put anyone in a teenage boy’s sheets, mind you’