Shane Watson
Posh? It’s not what you say, it’s what you do
You may have seen that Tatler magazine has come up with a list of words only posh people use. First thing to note: not so long ago everyone reading
Tatler knew this stuff automatically, so this is progress of a sort. Second, using words like “jolly” and “thrilling” is not the reliable indicator of poshness it was. Poshness these days is more about the sorts of things you say and do. So, in the interests of accuracy, here are the leading signs of poshness (probably): Nicknames Abbreviated names are very posh. You don’t get an Emily who isn’t called Ems or an Edward who isn’t Edz, not to mention a woolly headed bloke who isn’t called Hedge or a dim one called Fog. Skiing well All posh people ski, ride and play tennis from childhood. Everyone is expected to be able to row, play croquet and table tennis, and to reel (as in Scottish dancing).
Public sharing The posh tend to involve everyone in their comings and goings (as in “I’ve had the most frightful time parking. Would you mind awfully helping me carry this?”), which may be a genetic hangover from when anyone in the village could be summoned to do their bidding. Lack of squeamishness Posh people happily get stuck into dagging sheep, calving, or filthy stuff involving horses and dogs. The very posh are relaxed about bodily functions. It’s one of their unsung qualities. They are brilliant at clearing up sick at parties. Pudding Still an essential of posh life, and we’re not talking mixed berries. Breakfast is as old-school as ever, featuring marmalade and lashings of bacon. No one steams veg.
Animals, not pets There will be a cat that lives in the outbuildings, dogs that sleep in the kitchen. Posh people are appalled by dog infantilising (toys,
clothes, treats) and even more so by unruly dogs (if your dog has been known to worry sheep, you will be persona non grata faster than you can say “republican”). Their dogs bite, but only children, if provoked, in which case the parents are always to blame. Driving proficiency Top posh skill. They learnt on a Land Rover in the field in two days when they were 10. Job done. At home you will find An Aga; a boot room (with wellington boots in every size); a downstairs loo that is a shrine to the male of the house’s schooldays and sporting successes. You will never find: a Jacuzzi; scented candles (who needs feu de bois when you are burning logs from your own bois in every grate?); liquid soap; bottled water; coloured sheets; the heating on in March. A surfeit of good
jewellery They got a ton at their christening and confirmation. They will get shedloads when Granny goes, and then Mummy, and then Max’s mother. They don’t need wine – they have a cellar full. They don’t need furniture (see Granny/Mummy). They may need cash.
Proper invitations Still known as stiffies, they must be printed in copperplate, displayed on the mantelpiece and answered in the third person by mail. 20th-century drinking rules A percentage will be AA, of course, but otherwise everyone drinks like pirates, including after-dinner stickies and plenty at lunch.
Shared concept of what constitutes “wet” behaviour All posh people have been to boarding school, so a certain resilience is expected. They swim in the sea, starting about now, and would not consider breaking up with one’s girlfriend an excuse for missing Granny’s birthday. Accidental eco-ness Rarely putting on the heating, giving scraps to the chickens, never having bought a ready-made meal/flowers/vegetables/ jam means the posh have been ahead of the curve for decades. Or at least that’s what my friend Annabel tells me. And she’s so posh she has bats in her bedroom.
‘Their dogs gs bite, but only children, if provoked, in which casese the parentsnts are to blame’