Leave the women at Aintre Aintree alone

‘When throwing the bouquet, try not to hit anyone in the face’

Where would we be without Debrett’s? The etiquette experts have just reissued their Wedding Handbook, 10 years after it was first published. “Much has changed in the last decade,” the authority explained of its reasons for revising the guide. “Bridal blogs, Instagram feeds and Pinterest boards have grown out of and supported an ever-expanding wedding industry.” Kind of them to expand that industry even more by republishing the hardback – a snip at £35. I’m so intrigued that I’m almost tempted to divorce my husband and pop the question to my tennis coach lover just to check if the advice is any cop. (Just a joke. I don’t have a tennis coach.)

I’ve been to a fair few weddings, some of which have even been my own, and like to think that I am something of an expert on tying the knot. So here is my gift to you as the wedding season gets underway: my guide to getting hitched. Good luck. You’re going to need it.

The invitations

You could spend a fortune on embossed invitations that come with detailed instructions on how to get to the venue alongside a complete list of accommodation, arranged in price order. Or you could create a WhatsApp group and take someone leaving the group as a sign that they don’t want to come. This also means that any single friends who end up snogging on the big day will have each other’s numbers. Think of it as spreading the love!

Should children be allowed?

Only if they belong to you. In which case, you should already be married, you wicked human.

The gifts

Sure, you could have a wedding list. I mean, why not? It’s not as if your guests are already spending £85 on train tickets and £170 a night on accommodation, or that they’ve had to organise childcare for the weekend and will have to travel to Macclesfield to pick up the kids from their grandparents. Or that this is their fifth wedding in two months. Go for it, guys. And while you’re at it, why stop at John Lewis? Shoot for the stars! Set up your list at Harrods, or, even better, ask for a contribution towards your first-class honeymoon to the Maldives, you complete and utter tools.

How much should I spend on my wedding dress?

Think of the really, really nice dress you buy once a year for special occasions and then calculate a half of its value. And then a half of that. And then another half. That is how much you should spend on a dress you are only going to wear once in your life that is going to end up covered in red wine and fag ash.

Table planning ning

You can tell a lot about the way you are viewed in society from where you are seated at a wedding. Look at that table at the back, filled with aunts you’ve not seen for 30 years and colleagues you don’t really like. Why are you inviting them? You will have to talk to them. You have to talk to everyone. Also, if you’re thinking of only asking certain people to the dancing after the dinner, don’t. It’s effectively telling that person that they are sort of your friend but not really, and that if the ship was sinking and there was only one space in the lifeboat, you’d probably let them go down with it.

Hens and stags

It’s a truth universally acknowledged that when groups of one gender get together, things never end well. When you send out an email inviting people to your last hurrah, I can guarantee that absolutely everyone on the list will be inwardly groaning and working out how to get out of it. If you invite me to a hen do and I reply that I am busy that weekend with another wedding, know this: I do really like you, but on this occasion, I am lying to you.

Your first dance

Eight out of ten people will be too drunk to remember this moment, and the other two are the bride and groom.

The bouquetq

When throwingthrow it, try not to hit an anyone in the face. This happened to me once. I caught the bouquet bouquet, but I also got a blac black eye. It was another de decade before anyone ask asked me to marry them them, and even then he only did it because ImI made him. Other than that, just remember to have fun, everyone!