Ten questions every bride should ask
Ten things you should ask a man before agreeing to marry him
‘Men think support is listening to you rage about the fact that women do absobloodylutely everything’
Every so often in a marriage you ask yourself: “Did I know that before we got married?” As time goes on you realise there are certain questions that, with hindsight, you could have asked, to avoid misunderstandings down the line. All sorts of things, like: chickens – are you interested? A hot tub in the garden – definition of luxury or disturbing? TV – OK once in a while, or your favourite activity?
For example, last week, Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook and author of
Lean In, urged women to ask any prospective mate – at the earliest possible opportunity – “Will you support my career?” That is a good question, if a bit of a downer on a first date.
The one you’d be better asking, in my opinion, is: “Will you treat my job as if it’s just as important as yours?” Because men are hazy about the definition of “support”. They think support is listening to you rage about the fact that women do abso-bloodylutely everything, while wearing their sorrowful, Jesuit priest expression and being careful not to glance at the TV.
And there’s not much point asking a man if he will “support your career” if he thinks that means turning up to your office Christmas do, being polite to your boss and not minding a bit if you earn three times more than him.
Even so, Sheryl has a point. Better to ask than to trust you’re on the same page. She’s got us thinking about the big 10 questions you might put to a partner before making the full commitment.
1. How much money is enough? Because if you are the sort who has set her heart on a walk-in Ecclestone-style wardrobe by 2020, and he is planning to pack it all in on his 50th birthday and join the clergy, better to know that now. Also: how comfortable is he with credit?
2. What was his opinion of Carrie Fisher, RIP? This will tell you so much. It implies: does he like funny women? And does he get the point of women even when they get old and shambolic and are past their glory days?
3. Could he look after a baby on his own for 48 hours and enjoy it?
4. Is he planning to get seriously into bridge, or golf? Or sailing? Or box sets, come to that? (Because you can overdo box sets, I can vouch, and some people are watching The West Wing from the beginning, again.)
5. Is he having regular dental check-ups? Watch this one, seriously. What is yours will be his, and if he hasn’t been going regularly you’re looking at some serious financial outlay in the midlife years.
6. Town or country? See point one.
7. How does he feel about naked saunas? Is he in the “let it all hang out, wouldn’t even consider cheating and smuggling in a hand towel, come on, we’re all adults” category? Or more in the white-fear camp? You don’t want to be a sauna refusenik type married to a sauna lover. It has wider implications.
8. Does he like driving? (Men divide up into drivers and ones who get driven. You might want to check which one you’re getting.)
9. Does he like your friends? Does he almost automatically like everyone you like? This is a “does he trust your judgment?”, and a “how easy-going is he?” question. It’s also a “can we hang out with my mates?” question.
10. Are there family secrets, ie, jewellery?
All this upfront grilling is a great idea. Still, in my experience, men and women go into marriage the same way we go into everything – including house-buying – I love it, I want it, I’ll have it and… sssh, don’t want to hear about subsidence and poor services. Look at the location, the windows, the gorgeous back garden!
If it feels right, you won’t be listening.