Sisters: it’s complicated
The ‘same but different’ relationship is fraught, loving and a source of endless fascination, says author Jane Corry
I’ll never forget sitting on the back doorstep, making pretend tea for my favourite doll, when my mother told me she had a baby growing in her tummy. I was a six-year-old ‘only child’ and my immediate emotion was excitement. At last, I’d have an older brother who would stand up for me at school! But then, one misty day in January, I was ushered into my parents’ room and presented to a tiny bundle. Clearly something had gone very wrong because the mop of black hair in my Mummy’s arms was a girl
– a new baby sister. She took one look at me and yelled furiously.
Like many sisters, we squabbled. Even now when I see a Crunchie bar, I remember the furious argument we had over that shared treat, each declaring that the other’s ‘half ’ was bigger. Our poor frustrated mother ended up plunging both bits into soapy water so neither of us had it. The age gap between us also meant that we did different things at different times. This could be good (later bedtime for me) or hurtful (returning from school and being told that my sister was going to the circus but that I was ‘too old’). Absurdly, this still rankles.
The turning point for our relationship came when I was newly married at 22 and found my upset sister and her then boyfriend on my doorstep. She’d had a major row with our mother and I was deeply moved that she’d chosen to come to me. Later, we helped each other through our respective divorces and I introduced her to her now husband. Call it sisterly instinct, but I just knew he was right for her. My sister was the first person I called when I had a health scare some years ago (which turned out to be unfounded) and when our mother died of ovarian cancer at the premature age of 56, we became even closer.
She is the only person in the world who shares my childhood memories and experiences. We’re different and yet the same. In possession of a unique bond – an invisible safety line that connects us.
This ‘same’ but ‘different’ relationship is a source of endless fascination. Pippa and Kate Middleton’s relationship was preceded by that of the Queen and her more carefree ‘naughty’ younger sister, Princess Margaret.
Even better when sisters are pitted against each other like Venus and Serena Williams. Their relationship seems to sum up the united/rival relationship which so many of us sisters possess.
I’d defy any sister to claim they’ve never had a falling out. Take the sisterly spats between Olivia de Havilland and Joan Fontaine who, with just 15 months between them, were said to have squabbled since childhood. When they were both nominated for the Best Actress Oscar in 1941 and Joan won, you can only imagine how her sister felt.
The dark side of this kind of sibling rivalry was also in evidence in the recent chilling tale of Kim Edwards from Lincolnshire who, together with her boyfriend, Lucas Markham, was found guilty of murdering her mother and 13-year old sister. Edwards, who was 14 at the time, said that she
resented her mother and disliked her sister, Katie, for the close relationship she had with their mum.
Just as loving sisters are captured in literature with heroines like Katy and Clover in What Katy Did (author Susan Coolidge apparently modelled the girls on herself and her own siblings) and the devoted Celia and Dorothea in Middlemarch, so history is full of women who have been determined to fight to the death. Take Berenice IV of Egypt, who is believed to have poisoned her sister in 57BC and, for this, was beheaded by their father. Similarly, Cleopatra got her lover, Mark Antony, to order the execution of her sister Arsinoe in 41BC. As for half-sisters, they’ve been in a class of their own since Cinderella. Mary I and Elizabeth I made that quite clear.
It’s hard to find a relationship which is more fraught or loving at the same time than the sister bond. It provides a rich seam for storytellers too, which explains the recent explosion in ‘sister lit’ and why I have based my latest novel on two sisters and the friendship, love and lies that swirl around them.
“When we were raised in primitive set-ups, we were programmed to work together” says Linda Blair, clinical psychologist. “However, there was also conflict caused by the ‘who-canget-the-better-male’ competition in order to raise strong children. So our relationships with other women are ambivalent – simultaneously positive and competitive. You’d be surprised at how deeply this is imprinted into our minds.”
It is also true that sisters who are fiercely competitive when they are young, are more likely to become close as adults. “It’s not the type of emotion that strengthens that bond but its intensity,” Linda says.
Personality differences can also encourage closeness in sisters. Amanda Ruiz (right), a 47-year-old PR expert for entrepreneurs, was the creative sporty rebel during her teenage years, while her sister Fiona, who is just a year older, was the sensible, academic one. “Because we had separate interests,” says Amanda, “we didn’t compete with each other.” By their early twenties they were best friends.
But what makes other sisters break their relationship, sometimes in dramatic ways? “The root often stems from childhood,” says Linda. “Children can perceive favouritism from one or both parents and any criticism can become resentment. The resulting hurt can go on for years.”
This was certainly the case for Susan* who, like many wounded sisters, didn’t want to be named.
“My older sister couldn’t bear it when I got better marks at school,” she confided. “Even when we became adults, she was constantly belittling and manipulating me. Ten years ago, I made the decision to cut off all contact. She reacted by sending some nasty ‘how can you do that?’ emails, but I ignored them. I feel much happier with her not in my life.”
I also discovered, through talking to sisters up and down the country, that rarely is there a middle road between love and hate. Women who fall into the estranged sister category are frequently drawn towards others in the same position (‘You too?’). Often they find a best friend who becomes a substitute sister. Life also has a habit of throwing in hurdles, which can put this relationship into sharp focus. Laura’s example is typical. She’s been left to deal with her elderly parents on a daily basis while her younger sister only visits four times a year. “She should do more to help but she assumes I’ll do it all as I’m closer.”
When a parent dies, the relationship is often reassessed once again. “My sister and I fell out over a family will,” says Pam, 54, from London. “Our parents had left the majority of their savings to her. I think it was because she is single, while I was married. But it hurt as it implied I didn’t matter as much to them as she did.
“My sister didn’t offer any money and after a heated argument, we didn’t speak for a few years. Just as I was about to pick up the phone to make peace one Christmas, her best friend rang me to say she had died. That was five years ago and I’m still devastated. I’d do anything to turn back the clock. Sisters are worth far more than money but I didn’t realise that at the time.”
*Some names have been changed
Blood Sisters by Jane Corry is published this week by Penguin Viking. To order your copy for £7.99 plus p&p call 0844 871 1514 or visit books.telegraph.co.uk