How to get to a good compromise
WHEN you can’t reach an agreement, most of us prefer compromise to stalemate. After all, getting at least some of what you want is better than getting nothing at all.
There are, however, good compromises and bad ones, and knowing how to achieve a good compromise can be difficult, particularly if you’re feeling emotional.
What constitutes a “good” compromise, and how can you go about getting the best deal possible?
The Belgian political philosopher Philippe Van Parijs suggests three questions to help you create a good compromise. First, can you come up with a solution that allows each party to save face? If either feels “defeated” or “shown up”, they’ll become defensive, making compromise less likely.
Second, is the compromise a just one? Would an outsider consider that both sides are treated fairly? Such agreements are more likely to last, because those around you will accept them.
Finally, is the compromise one that makes everyone concerned better off? In a divorce agreement, for example, have the children and/or grandparents been given fair consideration?
Amy Gutmann, president of the University of Pennsylvania, and her colleague Prof Dennis Thompson consider what makes for a good compromise in politics, and their observations provide a fourth guideline. Nowadays, when politicians delight in emphasising the differences between themselves and their opponents, rather than common ground they share, Gutmann and Thompson argue that it would be better if instead they concentrate on the common good – that is, what’s best for the largest number of people they represent.
With these overarching principles in mind, how can you come up with the best compromise possible?
•Set your priorities. Before you enter negotiations, make a list of everything you hope to achieve, then order them in terms of their importance to you. That will help you know what you must argue for, and what might be easier to concede.
•Decentre. Take the time to see the issues from the other side, so you understand what matters to the people with whom you’re negotiating. Listen to what they have to say, ask open questions, and try to imagine how they’re feeling.
•Prioritise respect. The American executive coach John Baldoni wrote in the Harvard Business Review
about the importance of behaving so the other side will respect you, and of trying to respect them – or at least their point of view.
•Argue about issues, not individuals. Divorce lawyer David Bedrick wrote in
Psychology Today that resentment or distrust of your opponents can lead to irrational demands and even stalemate. Concentrate on the issues at hand, rather than the personalities involved.
•Gains not losses. Finally, focus on what can be gained by this compromise rather than what you fear you might lose.