Midlife guide to... Belt measures

Q: What on earth is an industrial belt?

A: Following on from those naff yellow DHL staff shirts, which are worn exclusively by fashionistas and truckers, the industrial belt takes the least fashionable item you can think of and turns it into fashion. Think polyester car seat belts that used to cause hours of scratchy agony for your neck but round your waist and worn all day long. Q: Sorry, what?

A: The most hyped belt of the season. A long yellow industrial tape belt; a cross between a tape measure and caution tape the police Get involved: as with the Ikea bag, the industrial belt is a trend that everyone can get on board with use to cover murder scenes. The fashion police won’t be on your back when you’re this hip. Wink.

Q: What’s wrong with a normal belt then?

A: Look, it’s just not enough for your accessories to be practical, they have to be edgy too; and to be edgy they need to be practical but not as practical as the item that they are professing to be. See the Ikea bag – practical for carrying fold-up coffee tables around labyrinthine Swedish homeware stores, not so practical for your keys but it didn’t stop fashion house Balenciaga from mimicking it and slapping a £1,600 price tag on it. Q: I honestly do not know how you keep up with all of this nonsense?

A: Well, deep breaths, sunshine, I heard the next big thing to blow up will be novelty shower caps. You heard it here first. Q: So how much are they charging for these belt thingies anyway?

A: Well, if you want one from Off-white (as seen at Paris Fashion Week) then you are looking at a price tag of around £139. Q: What? I’ll just go to B&Q and pick one up from there, thank you A: That’s the beauty of it – anyone can get involved.