GRANNY STATE

DIARY OF A FIRSTTIME GRANDMOTHER (IT’S COMPLICATED)

‘I peep through to find Rose has fallen asleep, albeit with little hiccup sobs. This is almost worse than the full-on screaming’

‘Give Granny a kiss,” I plead when I go over to play, but all I get is a brusque turning of the cheek. Ouch.

I’ve alluded to my rejection before but it’s become progressively worse over the summer because Rose’s teacher parents are with her all day. So I find myself suggesting an all-nighter at our place without consulting Newish Husband.

“Here you are,” says my grateful son-in-law, dumping several bags of baby stuff in the hall.

“What’s all this?” asks NH.

“Oh,” I say airily. “Didn’t I tell you? The poor things are desperate for sleep.”

“Humph. Exactly what I hoped to get in retirement.”

Then his face softens as Rose runs up, arms outstretched, ignoring me. Traitor! But it turns out that she’s heading for the dog instead.

“Say goodnight to Mummy,” adds my daughter.

“Shh!” I butt in. “She’ll be upset.”

“Rubbish. She’s used to you.”

But Rose yells blue murder after they’ve gone. “Just going out for a drive,” announces NH.

Oh dear. I seem to have upset everyone. So I give Rose a bath and she nicks my Chanel soap, which seems to cheer her up briefly until she starts crying again. Then we have the Dear Zoo story and milk. Rose knocks both out of my hand.

“Thought this might help,” says a voice. NH is back with a packet of chocolate buttons – an occasional illicit grandparently treat.

“Not now!” I hiss. “She’s cleaned her teeth.”

“Only trying to help,” he says. The hurt on his face is nothing compared with the roar of fury from the squirming bundle in my arms. My daughter’s instructions come back to me. “If she yells, give her a dummy and leave her to it for a bit.”

So I do. Except that, of course, I sit on the other side of the door, where the amplified baby alarm makes the noise sound even worse.

My phone pings from son-in-law. “Everything all right?”

“Fine,” I text back. The crying stops. A bolt of fear flashes through me. I peep through to find Rose has fallen asleep, albeit with little hiccup sobs. This is almost worse than the full-on screaming.

When I tiptoe downstairs, NH is rocking to Bad Company. “Shhh,” I hiss. “You’ll wake her.”

“You’re not bringing up a Trappist monk here. She needs to get used to noise.”

Meanwhile, I’m in urgent need of comfort so I search for the chocolate buttons. “Ah, those,” says NH. “I was feeling peckish. By the way, do you fancy going out for dinner?”

I remind him that we have a little person upstairs.

“Can’t we get a babysitter?” he asks. “We are the babysitters.” I spend the night in the spare room so I can monitor Rose’s breathing.

In the morning, Rose is delighted to see me and flings her little arms around me. Yes! I’m back in favour. Meanwhile, I’m knackered from baby watching. “Let’s change your teeth and clean your nappy, shall we?” I suggest sleepily.

She heads for the new stairgate. I watch in horror as both Rose and gate topple forward over the step that leads on to the landing.

“Are you all right?” I scream. Amazingly she is. At the same time, the doorbell goes. It’s daughter and son-in-law. Rose is in their arms like a shot.

“Kiss Granny goodbye,” I say.

But she turns her cheek. Thank goodness it’s the start of the autumn term. Now Rose and I can go back to our old routine and she’ll love me again.