Bare-knuckle boxing may be better than talking for Barnier and Davis

After another four days of squabbling, the latest round of Brexit talks is over. Yesterday, at a joint press conference in Brussels, Michel Barnier, the EU’S chief negotiator, and David Davis, the Brexit Secretary, delivered their verdicts.

“No decisive progress,” lamented Monsieur Barnier. “Concrete progress,” trumpeted Mr Davis.

So there we have it. Not only do the two sides disagree over the divorce bill, the Irish border, citizens’ rights and the single market, among other issues, but they also disagree over how much they disagree.

Lord knows what it was like behind the scenes.

“We totally disagree.”

“We disagree.”

“Good. Glad you agree.”

“No, we’re saying we disagree. We disagree that we disagree.”

“You agree that we disagree. That means you agree.”

“We disagree. We don’t disagree.” “So you agree.”

“Yes. No.”

Don’t worry. Only another 18 months of this to go. The signs of strain were visible. Normally Mr Davis has the whistling, carefree swagger of a milkman from a Carry On film. Here, though, he looked tired and harassed. Monsieur Barnier looked even worse: worn, impatient, simmeringly irritable. Time, he snapped, was “flying”. The demands by the British were “impossible”. They did not recognise their “legal obligations”. There would be “consequences”.

A British journalist told him he seemed angry and frustrated.

“I don’t know why you say I’m angry and frustrated,” replied Monsieur Barnier, suddenly coming over all innocent. “I think I have shown the typical calm of a mountaineer.”

Monsieur Barnier grew up in the French Alps, and enjoys climbing. “If I do get angry,” he added, with a glint of menace, “it will be obvious.” I suppose it’s true that mountaineers are good at keeping calm. On the other hand, they also carry an ice pick.

The air curdled with ill feeling. With a sniff of dowager-like haughtiness, Monsieur Barnier accused the British Brexit team of “nostalgia”.

“I wouldn’t confuse a belief in the free market with nostalgia,” shot back Mr Davis. Monsieur Barnier smouldered silently.

If talks continue in this fruitless and unseemly manner, we’ll surely have to seek an alternative way to resolve the two sides’ differences. Something more efficient, more practical, more dignified. Personally, I would suggest bare-knuckle boxing. Monsieur Barnier has the advantage of size, but Mr Davis is able to call on his training with the Territorial Army, so the contest should be well-matched.

In any case, most disagreements between the British and the Europeans have conventionally been settled through violence.

Also, to go by the way the two men look at each other, they’d probably be up for it.