Do you have Dr Foster syndrome?
Dr Foster syndrome
‘Men’s idea of unhinged behaviour in this context is our idea of just warming up’
Anyone watching the TV series
Dr Foster will know that it is about a mad woman (Dr Foster) seeking mad revenge on her ex-husband – unless, that is, you are a woman, in which case it’s about a woman who is starkraving angry, and who can blame her?
All over the country, couples are sitting side by side on the sofa thinking, Him: Bunny Boiler; Her: What Are You Waiting For, Dr Foster? Don’t dawdle in the walk-in cupboard! Start chopping up their clothes! Hide a fish under the floorboards! Call New Zealand on the landline and then stuff the phone somewhere they’ll never find it! Run their toothbrushes around the loo bowl!
When you think about it, a bit of rifling around in the bedside drawers (and there was potential there for some discomfortcausing sabotage) is nothing in the scheme of female responses to male treachery.
What we have here is “madwoman behaviour” – according to men – and there are 10 in total:
Decorating Mad.
There is nothing mad about painting eight different shades of grey on to eight different pieces of A4 card, placing those cards around the room and then rotating them. It is called being thorough and ending up with the paint colour you want. In theory (see previous columns).
Comparing Yourself With Other Women Mad.
This one, admittedly, can present itself as hand-wringing, and it is pretty hard to talk us down from an acute bout of “Why is she so sorted, when I haven’t unpacked from the bank holiday”. But men have a very similar “madness”, which is: “I was so hot when I was 22 and I
My Friends Don’t Love Me Mad.
Men will never get this, because they don’t see the problem. Women have three friendship categories: top dog, medium dog and taken for granted. We don’t like being in the medium zone, is all.
I Have Nothing To Wear Mad.
Because we do have nothing to wear to this particular occasion, which requires a precision combination of dressing down, with a hint of up, and a kick of something unexpected. You Have No Idea.
I’ve Messed Up The Dinner Mad.
Not so mad if you knew how much the beef cost, or how close we got to remembering to use the specially purchased meat thermometer, or if you consider that the reason we forgot to take out the beef in the first place was because we were doing your only job (finding the cheese biscuits).
Mad On Drink.
It can look that way but, in our defence, we never say anything while drunk that we would not fully stand by when sober. We may repeat it, but so what?
Freaking Out About Getting Older Mad.
Rich, considering that, in our experience, all the midlife crises are being had by men while the ladies soldier on keeping an eye on the kids. (See Dr F.) Besides, it is really shocking accidentally Facetiming yourself in the morning while wearing specs, Jolen creme bleach and a bath cap. It takes time to get over that.
Having A Manic Clear-out Mad.
On the contrary, mad is
clearing out, and being one of those unfortunate people who live knee-deep in newspapers and takeaway cartons. All we are doing is seeking uncluttered living space. We would be spookily calm if other people sorted out the football boots basket.
Menopausal Mad.
This is a medical condition and a) we can’t do anything about it, we are women; b) you are seriously lucky that we are not sitting in a corner eating flowers, because that’s what hormones can do.
Revenge On The Ex Mad.
See above. Sorry to say it, but men’s idea of unhinged behaviour in this context is our idea of just warming up.
You have been warned.