BA’S ‘pay least, board last’ rule threatens my peace of mind

Over the last few years, I’ve developed a fear of aeroplane turbulence. It recently got so bad that I sought out the services of a hypnotherapist called Max Kirsten because my usual tactic of downing double vodkas and rigidly gripping the armrest until my knuckles went white no longer seemed to be working.

Anyway, the hypnotherapy had the desired effect and the following day, I got on a long-haul flight to Los Angeles and didn’t hate it. In fact, I’d go so far as to say it was quite nice, really.

I used to like flying. But then, gradually, all the enjoyment seeped out of it. Budget airlines democratised overseas travel while also making everything more stressful – long queues, no legroom, an insane rush for seats and limp cheese ciabattas on sale for £795 a pop (approximately).

Now British Airways has announced a new “pay least, board last” policy, whereby people who pay less for their ticket will be forced to the back of the queue to board the plane.

This annoys me for several reasons. First, it penalises travellers for being organised (booking early) and efficient (bringing only carry-on luggage). Secondly, it continues the egregious tradition of the “Priority Queue”, which essentially imposes a caste system on airline travellers based on a) wealth and b) appalling smugness.

Thirdly, it highlights that age-old division between people who like to board a plane immediately and those who insist on dawdling at the gate until the queue has disappeared. The world is fundamentally made up of those two distinct personality types. Neither understands the other. There is a gulf between them as wide as that which lies between Brexit and Remain, Targaryen and Lannister, Marmite and Every Other Spread.

I’m in the former camp: I like to board early so that I can settle in my seat and be guaranteed overhead luggage space above my chair. I’m outraged that British Airways is threatening my peace of mind like this. I’ll probably need another hypnotherapy session to get over it.