Shane Watson
How to avoid divorce this Christmas
First the Queen’s 70th wedding anniversary and now Harry and Meghan’s engagement has got us all thinking about marriage. Specifically, how we can make it through the next few weeks without getting divorced come January. Christmas is the ultimate test of marital harmony, so it pays to identify stress points and some damage limitation strategies. For example:
Picking your time to phone a friend
When you want to discuss exactly what you are feeding everyone on Christmas Eve – and, naturally, you do need to talk about this, in some detail, now – phone a friend. On no account attempt to talk to Him about The Christmas Menu Plan. You will only catch him, minutes in, stifling a yawn, or trying to watch
I’m a Celebrity… over your shoulder. And then, when challenged, he will say “Sorry but I don’t know why we have to talk about peas now. It’ll be fine… we’ll all muck in.” Like I said, phone a friend.
Keeping calm about the ‘We’ word
At some point He will start on the Wes in earnest. The
Wes… meaning “You, on your own, with me right behind you”, are always infuriating, but at this time of year they take on a special grating quality: “I know, why don’t We have goose this year for a change?” (when you ordered the turkey under His nose three weeks ago); “I know, why don’t We get two Christmas trees?” (no words); “Why don’t We get some of those lights to put in the hedge?”; “Why don’t
We do the roast potatoes Heston’s way – here’s the recipe – and the Brussels sprouts with Nduja and Romanian straw… ?” And of course, “Relax! We’ll all muck in on the day” (translation: I will ask at various intervals “Can I do anything?” while holding a glass of champagne, and watching a Youtube video of a jealous golden retriever mauling a toy dog).
The only strategy here is to imagine the words “Only Joking!” tacked onto the end of every We-ism. If you can manage that.
Dealing with the present crisis
Every year is the same. You want a plan. You would like to get the critical presents ASAP, to avoid disappointment down the line. He wants to take it to the wire, put it off until the shirt the youngest son wants is only available in XXL in orange, and it can’t be delivered before the 27th. Then, just before the shopping due date, He goes rogue, during his lunch break, usually in Curry’s, and comes home bearing carrier bags of presents including a family-size Thermos, a head cam and a giant Toblerone. The solution: buy the presents you want right now. Hurry.
Dealing with the spontaneous Christmas Party
When he wafts through the door on the 18th and casually says: “I’ve asked a few people for drinks on Christmas Eve. I thought
We could get a ham and then they can eat if they want to…” Just say: “Lovely! Who exactly?” then send a group email to the 36 invitees, telling them you have double booked/he has a prescription painkillers problem.
Some precautionary measures
When you get to Christmas Eve and realise He has been working his way through the goodies (those Medjool dates he keeps offering you – they’re from your secret Christmas stash) – don’t panic. Think of it as a last-minute shopping opportunity. Check everything. Check the turkey’s still got both legs. Then send Him out with a list and the youngest, to keep him to the list.
Alternatively, lock everything away now in a sealed cupboard. Hiding it all under couscous bags at the back of the larder Does Not Work. (Also, avoid looking in his drawers from about the 20th because when you find your present, the Bluetooth earbuds with built-in heart-rate monitor, it may tip you over the edge.) Good luck.
‘He comes home with carrier bags of presents including a family-size Thermos, a head cam and a giant Toblerone’