Politicians do battle over Brussels
Asa Bennett invites rival Brexiteers and Remainers to lunch, to see if the spirit of Christmas can put a stop to the bickering
Few things can derail a harmonious Christmas lunch faster than the mention of politics. So spare a thought for the 650 people who have spent months arguing among themselves about the Brexit deal: our Members of Parliament.
Some have gone to great lengths to secure a Brexit-free Christmas. “It’s a banned topic with my in-laws,” says Nicky Morgan, Conservative former minister and a passionate Remain campaigner.
But Christmas is meant to be a time of peace and goodwill. Might that arise if only Brexiteers and Remainers break bread and pull a cracker together?
I decided to find out by donning my Christmas tree tie and bringing some together for lunch. They joined me earlier this week at the restaurant Joe Allen, an ideal venue given that it’s just a short walk from Parliament and provides a warmer ambience than the Commons chamber.
On arrival, my guests are apprehensive. One Remainer tells me that some of the Brexiteers attending are “Looney Tunes people”, while a Brexiteer thinks some of the Remainers are as “miserable as sin” and threatens to “walk out” if it gets too much. Another Leaver takes issue with the Liberal Democrat MP I had invited, describing him as a “second referendum-loving nutcase”.
At first, the MPS chat amiably about anything but Europe, swapping tips about the challenge of having goose rather than turkey on Christmas Day (“it’s so hard to cook,” one Remainer warns a Brexiteer) and recent films they’ve seen: the latest Star Wars is “phenomenal”, one Tory MP thinks, although Labour’s Chris Bryant complains that it “goes on forever” and thinks the new
Paddington is “twice as good”. They clink glasses in good cheer… but Brexit cannot be put off for long.
What unites Brexiteers is obvious. Their counterparts are more loosely united, as some accept the result while others would love nothing more than for it to be somehow overturned. I am reminded of these tensions after trying to band them together as “Brexitsceptics”. “I’m not sceptical of Brexit,” Bryant, a former Europe minister, corrects me. “I think it’s a pile of nonsense!”
Everyone at his own Christmas table this year is a Remainer, he says, so he won’t avoid the topic with his family and friends. “He hasn’t got any friends!” hoots Michael Fabricant, the Conservative MP for Lichfield, who recently appeared on Channel 4’s Celebrity First Dates.
After Theresa May reached a divorce deal breakthrough with the EU earlier this month, Brexiteers could be forgiven for celebrating Britain’s ongoing departure over Christmas; however, one Leave MP will be holding back.
“This is the last time I’m allowed to talk Brexit,” Nusrat Ghani, MP for Wealden and a Tory Leaver admits. “I promised the family that as soon as it gets to Christmas Eve, there would be no more talk of it.”
This catches the interest of Tom Brake, the Liberal Democrats’ Brexit spokesman, who responds to her with the dramatic suggestion that “there won’t be a Christmas lunch next Christmas”. He explains that there “won’t be any EU citizens” to provide Christmas staples such as turkey because, he claims, they make up 80 per cent of those working in the poultry industry. The MP for Carshalton and Wallington is shouted down with cries of “Humbug!” and “He’s cancelling Christmas!” by the Leave side before he can even finish his point.
“Sorry to lower the tone…” Brake sniffs. “The big question,” Fabricant declares, with the theatricality of a barrister summing up in front of a jury, “is, does Tom actually believe the rubbish he’s coming out with?”
Bryant comes to his fellow Remainer’s aid, arguing that Britain’s supply of cranberry sauce could be put at risk because “nearly all cranberries come from the States and from Canada, so we’d have to have a new trade deal”. That doesn’t wash with Fabricant, who scoffs: “We can forage for the stuff in the woods!”
This winds up Brake, who insists that he was trying to make a “serious point”. Even then, Fabricant wants the last word: “It’s not a serious point!”
Arguments break out very easily at the table. They bicker over what is a legitimate Christmas jumper. Bryant jokes that a true festive jumper “has a picture of Jeremy Corbyn on it”. (The Labour MP doesn’t have one, although he does have the Corbyn colouring book: “People think it’s hilarious to give me it,” he sighs.)
Fabricant pretends to make notes about this with horror: “Chris Bryant. TALKS. AGAINST. LEADER!”
To defuse tensions, I suggest it is time for MPS to pull their crackers. We filled them with political jokes, but it was pot luck as to which one they got. On realising his has a punchline about Theresa May wishing for a new cabinet, Fabricant takes pains to make it clear that the joke was “in the cracker, and I didn’t make it up”.
Tory Remainer Vicky Ford draws cheers from the Leavers on reading out her joke: “How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit? No Brussels!” Ghani fares much better with her joke suggesting the Labour leader, a pacifist and keen allotmenteer, wants to give “peas” a chance. “That was actually very good,” one Tory mutters.
If Father Christmas could bring MPS something about Brexit, what would they ask for? Top of the Leavers’ wishlist is a free trade deal. Ford’s answer is inspired by her cracker’s contents. “We do need a made-to-measure deal,” she quips, while playing with a tiny measuring tape.
For his Brexit gift, Brake hoped for a second referendum from “Santa… a good European from Lapland”. “He couldn’t get around the world and deliver all those presents if he wasn’t part of the customs union, because he’d then be stopped at every border.”
Bryant might agree with his fellow Remainer’s sentiment, but can’t help disputing his view of Father Christmas: “He’s not from Lapland at all! He’s a bishop from Myra in Turkey.”
Arguments are put on pause when the food arrives. Tory Leaver Kemi Badenoch is initially envious on seeing the chicken parmigiana, a popular choice at the table. “Is it too late for me to change my order?” she asks.
“Can we have a referendum on that?” Bryant quips. “Sorry, Kemi, you’re not allowed to change your mind!” Badenoch doesn’t need to waver for long, as her order of ribs is equally impressive. “They’re huge!” one Tory gasps, comparing her dish to a “woolly mammoth”.
Despite a general air of rowdiness – discussions are peppered with frequent cries of “Drivel!”, “Rubbish!”, “You’re wrong!” and “Stop scaremongering!” – MPS find things on which to agree across the Brexit divide. For instance, they long for a de-escalation in rhetoric and a return to civil discourse. “In many parts of the world, trade policy is just trade policy, and immigration policy is just immigration policy,” says Tory Leaver James Cleverly, reasonably.
No one storms out, nor do they chuck Brussels sprouts at each other. Brexit does not stop my guests from hearing each other out, nor having a good time doing so.
Many families will be tense about broaching such an issue on Christmas Day, but I’ve found it is possible to do so nicely – as long as you avoid refighting the referendum.
To watch the MPS’ Brexmas lunch, go to telegraph.co.uk/video
‘I promised the family – as soon as it gets to Christmas Eve, there’d be no more talk of it’