The siblings tackling mental health
India Sturgis meets the four siblings who turned their parents’ split into a positive to help others
Ask 11-year-old Austin Crapper what advice he would give to a child whose parents are going through painful divorce and his answer is clearer than most adults’. “Don’t worry about the money or what’s happening because you are a child. It will get better,” he says from the busy kitchen table in Everleigh, Wiltshire, in between his siblings. “The most important thing is it’s not your fault.”
Austin knows what he is talking about: he and his siblings – Lawrence, 11 (his twin), Heidi, 10, and Natasha, seven – saw their parents separate in 2012 after seven years of marriage, but it would take a further three years to divorce and two more of what Debbie, their mother, calls “difficult times” involving family courts and social services before they could all finally come out the other end. The children know firsthand the gut-wrenching turmoil that watching your parents part ways can induce: the confusion, the anger, the frustration, the helplessness.
But instead of channelling these feelings into misbehaviour or gnawing silence, the Crappers have decided to do something very different: launch Happy Spuds, a company designed by children, for children who find themselves struggling to deal with stress and anxiety – an initiative now set to launch in schools.
The Crapper quartet up have designed a roster of afternoons for children aged five and up where they’re encouraged to discuss their feelings in a non-threatening environment. Topics have ranged from divorce and death to friendship fallouts, racism, body image and not fitting in. Each session is officiated by a qualified adult who hosts the group, and activities have included yoga and meditation for relaxation, boxing, football and drumming events to redistribute pent-up anger and soothing “art for anxiety” sessions.
“We didn’t go through a very nice thing,” explains Austin, “so we want to make sure children feel better and that they can talk to others who have been going through [it].” The emphasis is on talking and sharing, stimulating positive peer-to-peer conversations without necessarily giving advice. For those it helps, it is a remarkably simple solution to what can be complex problems.
Last Monday marked what lawyers have dubbed “divorce day”; the first working Monday of the year when disillusioned couples, more than at any other point in the calendar, make divorce inquires. According to the most recent figures from the Office for National Statistics, nearly 107,000 heterosexual couples divorced in 2016, a near six per cent increase on the previous year, and 42per cent of marriages now end in divorce.
In many cases, children become the unwitting victims. Studies show it takes on average nearly a year for a divorcing couple to reach a financial agreement, but the emotional dust can take far longer to settle.
“I thought I had ruined their lives,” Debbie says of her decision to divorce. “My parents are still married. All of my friends are married. I thought it was the biggest disaster possible.”
The fallout impacted each child differently. Lawrence became introverted, Austin got cross, Heidi’s behaviour “went off the wall” and Natasha was too young to comprehend what was happening.
At home, Heidi “was just vile, verbally and physically lashing out”, says Debbie, while equally troubling were Austin’s nightmares. Initially he didn’t tell his mother for fear of upsetting her – until they became so bad, he was frightened to go to sleep. Debbie, who is a marketing researcher with a psychology degree from Durham University, confided in Austin’s school who carefully helped him process his anxieties alongside an ELSA (emotional literacy support assistant) trained teacher. He used worry dolls and built a “dream garden” in which he was the gatekeeper. The bad dreams evaporated. The family started giving each other back rubs and calming hand massages and Heidi got a hamster called Ralph that sits on her stomach and she tells her thoughts to. Little things had big effects.
All four children want to use their experiences to benefit others. Top of their list of things to do is talking. “If you don’t feel like you can talk to your parents, tell them that and get them to take you to someone who you can talk to,” chips in Heidi.
So far they’ve received messages of support from Heads Together, Childline, NSPCC and Young Minds, although Happy Spuds is not a charity. The company is split four ways with each child owning a 25per cent share. “Because it was their idea, I wanted it to be their company,” explains Debbie. Each has had a demonstrable input.
“They came up with the name, they looked at the web design, the Facebook page, they have the ideas for activities and sessions. They feed back on what they think works and doesn’t,” says Debbie, clearly stunned by what her children have been up to while their peers are playing Minecraft.
“At the end of the day,” adds Heidi, “it’s about making children feel happy and that they are not trapped.”