Where do we stand on...

bisexual lighting

I’m changing the lighting scheme in here.

I can see that, but why?

It’s time we caught up with the latest trend, so I’m installing…

That circadian lighting thing they invented? To help our sleep cycle and to become more productive? Fantastic idea!

No, I’m basically just fitting these pink, blue and purple filters to make our lamps bisexual. If we are to truly shine in 2018, we need bisexual lighting.

Are you quite all right? Who said our lamps had a sexuality in the first place?

It’s not the lamps themselves, but the effect. Neon hues of pink and blue linked by purple, like the bisexual pride flag. Since an eagleeyed viewer remarked on the combination being used in a scene from a 2014 episode of

Sherlock (one in which Dr Watson, a straight character, could be read as showing homosexual feelings towards Benedict Cumberbatch’s insufferable detective), those colours have been spotted all over pop culture. It is the aesthetic

du jour. An anthem for these non-binary times. And it is cool.

Neon again. Is it really all over pop culture? I haven’t seen it on The Archers…

No, but you haven’t seen anything on The Archers.

Have you heard of Atomic Blonde, Blade Runner 2049, Black Panther, Logan, Black

Mirror? They use bisexual lighting at apposite moments. So do endless music videos – the video for one of the year’s best songs, Janelle Monáe’s

Make Me Feel, is practically dripping in bi-li. Hadn’t noticed, had you?

I can quite honestly say I hadn’t, no.

And now we can live in it, all the time. Just think of the Instagram likes!

I will think about that with a lie down. Could you just switch those old, monosexual lamps off?