Never mind public displays of affection, there are worse things to show off

Just when we thought there was nothing worse than a PDA, along come mankles

PDA (public displays of affection) are a well-known bugbear of British people born before 1970, but there are plenty of other public displays that get us down even more.

Public displays of mankles (men’s ankles)

It was recently announced that bare ankles have been banned from various gentleman’s clubs and the enclosure at Royal Ascot. What makes the mankle offensive – if it needs spelling out – is mainly context. Ankle baring in summer, with your rolled up chinos and espadrilles, is one thing, but with a suit, or any formal dress, it’s disturbing. Also there’s the question of hygiene: we cannot erase from our minds the image of half a pint of foot sweat not being absorbed by a sock (as the College of Podiatry has reminded us, fungal infections are on the rise, for one reason only).

On the scale of offensive, mankles have taken over where on-display tightie whities left off (happily we seem to be seeing less of them now). But these are still dark days for men sartorially. Mankles. Skimpy, thigh gripping suits that look like your mum has shrunk them in the wash. Flip-flops and pool slides all year round. It’s got to the point where if you see a long-haired youth in a velvet jacket and frayed flares, you think: “Ooh, what a well turned out young man.”

Public displays of mothering

This one has been steadily building for a while, but it does feel as if it’s reached a peak. There is nothing new about motherhood in 2018, and nothing especially heroic, that’s for sure. But lately mothers want mothering-skills recognition; cute offspring brownie points; sacrifice and multi-tasking awareness ratings; and slack-jawed envy, for being a size 26in jeans and having two under five. These same mothers pitch their voices that bit higher than necessary, so you can hear them “interacting” with Coco and Finn; they want you to be amazed by their offspring but mainly, let’s be honest, by them. Not to be confused with mums who are naturally proud that their baby is waving, shouting and being generally lifeenhancing, these mothers are aiming for minimum 64 per cent of the attention. Old style, the objective was: “Admire my baby, I’m just here to feed her.” Now it’s: “Look at that mother, with her swooshy hair, exercise leggings and cute baby.”

The PDM, like the PDDO (Public display of dog ownership – which roughly goes along the lines of: “We-are-specialdon’t-mind-us-we-justwon’t-let-you-forget-wehave A DOG IN THE ROOM”) is aggressive self-promotion dressed up as something selfless, worthy and lovely. Are we fooled? No we are not.

Public displays of fitness

Not counting Mamils, this is still a mainly female condition, which involves wandering around in exercise leggings, trainers and racing tops, pretty much everywhere and at all times outside the office. These days, you wear your PDF best for brunch. Were you exercising? Are you about to exercise? Those questions are no longer relevant. The game is advertising your fitness and the most direct way to do that is to shove a yoga mat under one arm and slip into something covered in Nike ticks.

While PDF is now widespread, and you would not be surprised if your neighbour turned up for a drink on Easter Sunday in their bumenhancing Sweaty Betty athleisurewear best, this does not mean that it doesn’t really get on our nerves. It’s definitely up there with mankles.

‘They want you to be amazed by their offspring, but mainly them’