This is why we voted to Leave: jobs for British convicts
For a while there, I was getting worried. No one in the Government seemed to be making any serious plans for after Brexit. Where was the strategy? Where was the imagination? Where was the vision? Finally, however, a minister has stepped up to the plate. He’s David Gauke, the Justice Secretary – and he’s delivered exactly the kind of big, bold idea we’ve been crying out for.
After Brexit, says Mr Gauke, we’re going to have fewer immigrants. Which will leave some employers struggling to fill their vacancies.
So what’s Mr Gauke going to do? Simple. Let a load of criminals out of prison early, so that they can do those jobs instead.
“Leaving the European Union is likely to have an impact on the workforce in sectors such as catering, construction and agriculture,” explained the Justice Secretary in a speech on Thursday. “Expanding the use of early release for work will mean employers will be able to fill the short-term skills gap.”
Well, I don’t know about you, but this is exactly what I voted for. For far too long now, immigrants have been taking the jobs of decent, upstanding British criminals.
But at last, our hardworking lawbreakers are taking back control.
Frankly, I find it sickening, the way the political elite have consistently ignored the legitimate concerns of ordinary felons. Time and again, respectable offenders have been denied an honest wage for no better reason than that they’re currently serving a five-year sentence for grievous bodily harm.
Finally, though, things are looking up for the humble British convict. Just as we throw off the shackles of Brussels, our prisoners will be able to throw off the shackles of … well, shackles. And, like the rest of our proud nation, they’ll be free to go out into the world, and do whatever the voices in their heads are telling them.
Of course, we know what the metropolitan liberal chattering class in London will say. They’ll say: “Hang on a minute,
Mr Gauke. So what you’re telling us is, if we don’t have mass immigration from the EU, British employers will have loads of unfilled vacancies?
And that, what with unemployment in this country being so low, the only way to help them fill those vacancies will be to let actual criminals out of prison? Doesn’t that kind of suggest that, contrary to what certain political campaigners have been telling us for years, mass immigration is actually quite a good thing? In fact, for some parts of the economy, an essential thing? And for the rest of us, preferable to having our farms, building sites and fast-food chains staffed by lawless thugs covered in swastika tattoos?”
I, for one, trust that Mr Gauke will ignore such arrogant and undemocratic nonsense. These la-di-da Remoaners are completely out of touch with the criminal underworld – and it’s high time they stopped talking homicidal maniacs down. A bright future beckons. Let the cry go up throughout the land. British jobs for British murderers.
A crucial football match at Wembley this evening. It’s the Championship play-off final: Fulham v Aston Villa. And, as a Villa fan, I’m feeling nervous.
Nervous that we’ll win. Winning would mean promotion from the Championship to the Premier League. And that, I fear, would be a disaster.
The Championship suits us. We’re not bad, at this level. Over the course of the season we’ve won more than half our games, and played some reasonable stuff. It’s great. Down here, we get to be the big boys.
But in the Premier League, against far superior players, we’d probably get humiliated every week. Much like we did during our last season in the Premier League, back in 2015-16.
Do we really want to put ourselves through all that misery again? We’d only end up going straight back down to the Championship again anyway.
Best all round, I think, if we let Fulham beat us today. Just saves time.
Question is, though: can we do it? Under the pressure of the big occasion, in front of 80,000 screaming fans at Wembley, with so much at stake for everyone involved, can we get the defeat we need?
I believe in you, boys. Now get out there and lose.
Speaking of losing: an important lesson in fatherhood. If your child challenges you to any form of game, race or contest, make sure you don’t win.
Every morning now, on the walk to nursery, my four-year-old son challenges me to a race through the little park near our house.
“Whoever gets to the bottom gate first,” he announces each time, “gets to have coconut rolls when they get home from nursery!”
Coconut rolls are a type of snack he’s recently become obsessed with. They’re for children. Funnily enough, he never suggests a prize that might be suitable for a grown-up.
Not that it matters, obviously. Every single time, he reaches the bottom gate first, and then celebrates as if he’s just snatched gold in the Olympic 100 metres. “I win, Dada! I win! I get coconut rolls!”
The other morning, though, he seemed to take pity on me. Poor Dada. So old and slow and hopeless. Always coming last.
“Go on, Dada!” he said, encouragingly. “Run! You can win! You can win, Dada!”
All right then. Fair enough. If that was what he wanted. I sped up, very slightly, and reached the gate first. “Dada won!” I said. “First time ever!” Was he happy for me? Did he cheer? Did he applaud my unprecedented triumph?
Of course not. He turned his back, folded his arms, and refused to talk to me. In fact, the only way I could get him to talk to me again was to give him my coconut rolls.
I’m telling you, Villa – it’s easier just to let them win.