What women can do that men can’t...
The new gender rules What women can get away with but men most certainly cannot …
Here’s a quick update from the gender front line, so please pay attention; particularly you, Alastair Campbell, after that lecture on feminism from your daughter, live on radio.
You may have noticed that, alongside the protests about what women and men can still do separately (swimming in Hampstead Ponds) there’s a list of things that men may no longer do at all, while women still can.
There is often one rule for Them and another for Us – although maybe we’re only halfway through the recalibrations. Anyway, here’s the list of We Can (But You Can’t), so far.
Poldarking
This is in the news because series four airs next weekend and Poldark is a seasonal reminder that, when it comes to ogling and objectifying the opposite sex, there’s now one rule for women (Go ahead! Rewind the scything scene!) and another for men (Eeew, creepy loser). Poldarking – as openly leching after men’s physical attributes is now known – is nothing new but, with Poldark, became something women did with pride, in the knowledge that the male equivalent was “unwoke” and embarrassing. Men can’t so much as pass comment on a particularly wenchy neckline without feeling like Benny Hill.
Meanwhile, Poldarking is considered to be as harmless and liberated as, say, drunkenly manhandling male strippers. (Full disclosure: we have no idea how this state of affairs came about; how eyeing up waitresses in short skirts is worse than getting into a brawl with other females while trying to remove a Chippendale’s G-string.) Anyway, as things stand, I could lean out of a car and lick a young man’s naked torso on a zebra crossing (liberated fun), but a man risking a glance at a girl’s pert behind on a bicycle… totally different.
Hair dyeing
Women can; men who give it a shot are ridiculed and lose our respect. Take Paul Mccartney, the man who hadn’t put a foot wrong in 50 years, until he reached for the dark tint and was rebranded as a bit of a tosser. Why hair dyeing should be the deal-breaker – unlike, say, waxing or dating girls young enough to be your granddaughter – is a mystery.
Stranger schmoozing
Women do it all the time: admire a passer-by’s attractive hat, coo over babies, pause in the park to watch naked children play. Men can’t do any of this. They may acknowledge the cuteness of a stranger’s puppy, briefly – that’s it.
Getting shouty-cross
We can… because of our hormones. We can cry and rant and slam doors to our heart’s content (not at work, mind you). But a man who does that is aggressive, which is different to what we are occasionally, which is emotional and tired.
Name-calling
A man can’t call a woman “stupid” – certainly not in the workplace – although a woman might flick a V-sign at a man in the same work environment and be regarded as spunky.
Criticising domestic skills
We can call out men whenever, but they cannot criticise our performance on the child-rearing or domestic competence front, under any circs. In all other areas, we are equally open to discussion of our failings and areas for potential improvement, even driving, but not these. (Weight is another one, to be fair. We can tell Them they need to lose a bit and cut out sugar and drink less, but They can’t tell Us. Unthinkable. No one tells us to cut out anything.)
If in doubt, for the time being it’s probably best to just assume that We Can and You’re On The Back Foot until further notice.