MEN ARE JUDGED, TOO
News that the Royal College of Midwives says mothers should no longer be shamed into breastfeeding brought the memories flooding back – but of NCT groups, which can be every bit as judgmental.
As every parent knows, having a baby is a minefield littered with contradictory advice and agendas, but it can be pretty daunting for men, too.
When my partner was pregnant with our first child, we had to do a New Age version of NCT in the metropolitan elite enclave of Islington as our group was full.
To amuse ourselves, we gave our classmates nicknames. There was “Granary Bap” (a holier-than-thou, organic breastfeeding type), “Changing Station” (an Australian lady obsessed with her dedicated nappy-changing area) and “The WAG” (who kept mentioning the diamond her husband owed her for going through all this).
If nothing else, NCT brought me and my partner closer, as we bonded over how insufferable everyone was. Advice did tend towards the hippy-dippy. Mothers-to-be were terrified by expectations that they forgo painkillers and stand up to give birth. Oh, and don’t forget to eat the placenta, preferably with a quinoa salad.
Naturally, us menfolk were largely ignored or patronised, which was probably fair. There was so much of talk of balls – Swiss ones to sit on, tennis ones for rubbing backs – that a few of us got the giggles. One prospective father kept asking how soon his wife would get back her pre-pregnancy figure. Last time I ran into them, she hadn’t. He didn’t look too overjoyed.
We were told to type up descriptions of an ideal birth – birthing pool, soothing tunes, scented candles – which bore so little semblance to reality that it was laughable. The clue should have been when the teacher’s doll didn’t fit through her pelvis model.
With little else to do, NCT fathers size each other up. My mate Andrew went too far and over-bloked it. His daughter was due during the World Cup, so when asked to write down a wish and a fear, he went with: “My wish: the birth isn’t during an England match. My fear: that it might be.” The withering looks could have curdled breastmilk.