Amid droning and groaning, Grieve’s uprising comes to nought

The date is March 30, 2083. The Brexit transition period has just entered its 65th year. David Davis, 134, has once again threatened to resign as Brexit Secretary, only to back down at the last minute following a meaningless concession from Theresa May, 127.

Dominic Grieve, also 127, has once again threatened to rebel against the Government, only to back down at the last minute following a meaningless concession from Theresa May.

As Brexit legislation returns to the Lords, there is furious disagreement between peers over Amendment 48,952b. On his radio phone-in, Nigel Farage, 119, warns Parliament not to defy the will of the people’s greatgreat-grandparents.

It’s never going to end, is it? Honestly – and just when we thought things were about to get interesting. For the second week in a row, Tory Remainers threatened to defeat the Government … and once again, they bottled it. Mr Grieve, the leader of the supposed rebels, was a full 11 minutes into his 14-minute speech when he casually let slip the revelation that he wasn’t going to rebel at all.

“Having finally obtained the acknowledgement of the sovereignty of this place,” burbled the Tory MP for Beaconsfield, “I am prepared to accept the Government’s difficulty, and support it…” Labour MPS groaned. He was going to support the Government? After all that fuss? After declaring at the weekend that he was prepared to “collapse the Government”?

Undeterred, Mr Grieve droned on. He’d decided, he added generously, to move his amendment anyway, because “I don’t wish to deprive the House of the right to vote on this if it wishes”. In other words: he was inviting MPS to vote for an amendment that he himself was going to vote against.

Hilary Benn (Lab, Leeds Central) raised his eyebrows. By Mr Benn’s standards, this counts as a dramatic public display of emotion.

Only a week earlier, he observed, Mr Grieve had “thought he had an assurance” from the Government, “and then discovered he did not. If I were him, I’d be cautious about accepting further assurances.”

Mr Grieve, sighed George Howarth (Lab, Knowsley), was “in danger of turning into a modern-day Grand Old Duke of York. There’s only so many times you can march the troops up the hill and down again without losing your integrity.”

The vote was duly held, and the Government duly won. A great day for Brexiteers. Not quite so great, though, for those Labour and Lib Dem MPS who’d struggled in to vote despite being either ill or heavily pregnant.

Naz Shah (Lab, Bradford W) was pushed through the lobby in a wheelchair, clutching a sick bucket. Jo Swinson (Lib Dem, E Dunbartonshire) turned up despite being two days past her baby’s birth due date.

They’d been told they had to be there as every vote would count. In the event, they needn’t have bothered. Still, only a few hundred more years of this to go.