Trump’s impending visit has unleashed clouds of hot air
Yesterday morning the National Association of Virtue Signallers held an emergency meeting to discuss next Friday’s visit to the UK by US President Donald Trump. “Good morning,” began the chair. All members immediately raised their hands to object.
“Good morning?” said a young man with a topknot. “How can you sit there, calling it a ‘good’ morning, when millions of people across this country are suffering at the hands of depression, racism, transphobia and the ideologically motivated austerity imposed by this Tory Government? This is a sickening example of cis white middle-class privilege.”
The chair was duly ejected and replaced by the young man with a topknot.
“Thank you,” he said. “As your new chairman, I – ”
All members immediately raised their hands to object.
“Chair-man?” said a woman at the back.
The chairman was duly ejected and replaced by the woman at the back.
“Thank you,” she said. “I’d like to propose an idea for a protest. How about we get an enormous balloon in the shape of Donald Trump wearing a nappy, and – ”
All members immediately raised their hands to object.
“This is the most appalling display of cultural appropriation,” said a woman at the front. “Unmanned balloon flights were pioneered by the Chinese in the third century AD.”
“Third century AD?” said a man wearing a “This is What a Feminist Looks Like” T-shirt.
“I think you’ll find that the Chinese have a traditional calendar of their own, which is entirely unrelated to the supposed birth 2,018 years ago of a Middle Eastern prophet. Stop imposing Judeo-christian Western norms on other cultures.”
After both women had been duly ejected, the man in the “This is What a Feminist Looks Like” T-shirt put forward his own proposal.
“Instead of a protest,” he said, “how about we raise money for all the minority groups who are living under Trump’s cruel regime?”
All members immediately raised their hands to object. “Breathtaking discrimination,” said a man with a Nicolas Maduro tote bag. “What about all the minority groups who aren’t living under Trump’s cruel regime?”
A woman behind him raised her hand to object.
“Why are we always raising our hands to object?” she said. “This is blatantly exclusionary of people who have no hands. Or arms. Or mouths.”
After everyone had duly ejected themselves for ableism, the meeting concluded.
The Government has announced plans to ban so-called gay conversion therapy: a spurious form of counselling that purports to turn gay people straight. I was interested to hear this, because about 15 years ago, when
I was a student journalist, I interviewed a number of people involved in the “ex-gay” world. It was certainly a memorable experience.
One counsellor claimed that gay people were simply “stuck at an adolescent stage of their sexual development”, but, via his therapy sessions, could reach “a mature, heterosexual position”. According to him, “about 60 per cent” of his clients had subsequently found themselves able to “behave heterosexually”.
I asked him whether his clients were happier following his treatment. At the other end of the line there was a pause of several seconds.
“Um … yes?” he said at last, with an audible shrug, as if this were a secondary consideration.
I also spoke to the leader of an “ex-gay” support group. He believed that although homosexuality could not be “cured” as such, it could at least be “resisted”. In his youth he’d been a promiscuous gay man, but had then found God, concluded that homosexuality was a sin, and renounced it.
His organisation existed to offer advice to Christian men who were trying to free themselves from “the homosexual struggle”. One particular piece of advice sticks in my mind.
Any time you find yourself afflicted by a fantasy involving another man, he suggested, “try bringing the Lord Jesus into it”. If the England team do go on to win this World Cup, there can be no doubt who deserves the lion’s share of the credit.
This very newspaper.
Gareth Southgate is doing a terrific job as manager. He’s assembled a bold, exciting young team who play attractive football, score goals and even win penalty shoot-outs. He’s changed the way England play – and captured the country’s imagination. Even Scotland fans like me can’t help cheering the team on. On a personal level, meanwhile, Southgate comes across as pleasant, thoughtful, humble and well-mannered. A thoroughly decent man. Everyone loves him.
Less than two years ago, however, the England boss was Sam Allardyce: a gruff, no-nonsense manager of the old school, whose club sides typically rely on defensive caution, physical aggression and knocking long balls up to the big man up front. He’d just taken charge of his first international match.
But, following a front-page Telegraph exposé in September 2016 – headlined “England Manager for Sale” – he had no choice but to go.
If it hadn’t been for that exposé, Allardyce would still be in post – and Southgate, therefore, would never have got the chance to put together his pacy, skilful, free-flowing young side.
Not that we mean to brag, of course. All I’m saying is: if England win the World Cup, it will be entirely down to The Daily Telegraph, and we all want knighthoods. And the lyrics of Three Lions rewritten in our honour. And the trophy on permanent display in reception.
I don’t think that is too much to ask.