Hokey horror sequel that’s spookily scare-free

Dir Corin Hardy

Starring Taissa Farmiga, Demián Bichir, Jonas Bloquet, Jonny Coyne, Bonnie Aarons, Charlotte Hope, Lili Bordán

Beware, sphenisciphobes: The Nun contains more than one nun. Whatever the collective noun is, they’re swishing about everywhere in this fifth film within the universe of 2013’s The Conjuring. Yet The Nun isn’t scary enough and doesn’t move fast enough to feel like anything more than a placeholder in this series.

We go way back to 1952 in Romania, ostensibly to explain how that evil cowled wraith from The Conjuring 2 came to have such a colossal bug up her fundament. It’s unclear by the end if this has been exactly settled, but the explanatory side of things is hardly the point. The point is the screeching, the part where someone’s buried alive, the ear-bursting sound and the constant feeling that hideous old nunface is about to pop up and go ballistic.

While a fair way off disastrous, thanks largely to some tempting production design, it’s never likely to be vintage horror if your primary instinct is to praise the sets. The setting, a monumental spooky abbey, deserted by everyone except undead nuns, is unashamedly hokey and Hammer-ish in a promising way. British director Corin Hardy (The Hallow) embraces every campy-gothic opportunity as a stylist and lights it all well. It’s just a pity nothing much is happening. A troubled priest (Demián Bichir), a novitiate (Taissa Farmiga) and a Frenchcanadian guide hunk (Jonas Bloquet) wind up there to investigate an apparent suicide, get separated, and are then mauled by nuns for a solid hour.

The Nun has the inescapable feel of being not based on a true story – vaguely inspired though it might be by hauntings at Cârța Monastery - but by a series of theoretically frightening ideas, from bells tinkling over graves to a diabolical snake. If you know you’ll enjoy it anyway, you undoubtedly will.