MODERN LIFE
You may have seen that the Pope has come out in favour of couples arguing – on the basis that it is healthy – providing that it’s not in front of the children. That is our first rule of arguing, as it happens, but only if it’s the Defcon One argument. All the other sorts of marital row… regular bickering, hostile sniping, seconddegree arguing… must be conducted in front of the children, or anyone who is around, otherwise you’d be permanently darting behind closed doors and nothing would get done. The rules of marital arguing are complex and, with respect to the Pope, you need an expert to identify the important ones. So, here goes…
Definitely take it outside (or, as of now, “Do a Pope”) Not literally outside, because then they will be able to see you through the kitchen window – fingerpointing, flipping the bird, standing hands on hips, roaring – but somewhere out of view. Note: the youth have the hearing of bats, so ideally go to another room on a different floor and then soundproof the door with duvets, stick your heads under a blanket, and whisper. Even with these precautions, some time later on they will ask: “So what is the ‘bloody last straw?’”
Never try to have a quick argument behind the fridge door during a party This is called ostrich-ing and you may, in the general hullabaloo, kid yourself that you are getting away with it. You are not. Your guests are thinking: “Awks, how do we break this up?” Note: the answer, should you find yourself in this situation, is to start a counterargument requiring the initial arguers to break off and intervene.
Resist the temptation to storm out of the room… … and then, after a short seething interval, head straight back, stomp stomp stomp, for the “And another thing…” second pass. First, you will look like an idiot; secondly, you will find him
“Look, I may be a bit hormonal/overtired/ plastered/stressed out, but…” If you feel you are about to say something incendiary, which you might regret, preface it upfront with a declaration of diminished responsibility.
Do occasionally descend into name-calling Because, inevitably, you will not be able to keep a straight face (“I’m a ‘stupid fool fathead?’”) and it will all be over quicker.
Do say I’m sorry
Even if you’re not. Say it, then they have to say it, and by then you probably are.
Things men should not say in a couples argument “You’ve already said that five times.” YES, WE KNOW, we are just saying it better and better each time. We are perfectionists in marital arguing and we are going to nail it, even if it makes our eyes bleed.
Also: “I don’t want to do this now” (in the glass department of John Lewis). You may have a point. But don’t say that – it sounds like: “You are undignified and I am a blameless saint.”
Things women shouldn’t say in a couples argument “Your face has gone weird”; “Blah blah blah”; “I hate my life”.
Note: Women are way worse in a row. We are perfectly happy to say “That’s it! That’s it! I can’t do this!” That’s the way we roll. Know your triggers
These may include: lots of booze; having many people to stay in shifts, turning you into a B&b-plus; someone close to you getting a kitchen refit; having a bad cold; the expression “that one must have fallen through the net” (explaining why the car has been towed); and the dishwasher being full (and evidence of a mug having been taken out). Come to think of it this is a whole column on its own.