Fancy a position in the Cabinet? Sorry mister, but our teacher says we have to get back on the school bus

‘Funnily enough, she assumed it was simply Mr Bone’s way of angling for a post of his own’

Peter Bone used to be such a cheerful chap. Only last spring he proclaimed to the Commons that, on the day Britain left the EU, Theresa May would be carried shoulder-high by cheering crowds through the streets of his Wellingborough constituency – whereupon he would unveil a statue he’d erected in honour of “our Brexit Queen!”

Of late, however, Mr Bone’s mood appears to have darkened. At yesterday’s PMQS, he fixed the Brexit Queen with a stony glare.

“Prime Minister,” he growled, “your Government is stuffed full of Remainers who don’t want to leave the EU. Would you replace them with colleagues from these benches who actually believe in upholding the decision of the British people?” On the face of it, you could see Mr Bone’s thinking. There are indeed plenty of Brexiteers on the Tory back benches.

The only trouble is: the reason they’re on those back benches is that in the last six months almost every one of them has quit the Government in protest at Mrs May’s approach to Brexit. So if Mrs May did sling out all her Remainers, she might have a bit of a job finding enough Brexiteers to replace them. “Boris? No, he quit over my approach to Brexit… Davis? No, he quit over my approach to Brexit… Raab, Mcvey, Baker, Braverman, Burns, Mann, Green, Courts, Chishti, Trevelyan, Jayawardana, Quince, Tracey, Hughes? No, they quit over my approach to Brexit…”

With Whitehall departments rudderless, a desperate Prime Minister would be faced with two options. Appoint Michael Gove to the newly created role of Secretary of State for Almost Everything. Or send her whips to scour the parliamentary estate for anyone, anyone at all, who might be willing to fill in. “Psst! Want to be in the Cabinet?” “Excuse me, I am not understanding. I am tourist.” “Oh, don’t worry about that, sir. No one will know you aren’t actually an MP. Ninety per cent of the people on our benches wouldn’t get picked out of a line-up by their own mothers. How do you fancy the DWP?” “I am afraid I am not knowing anything about it.”

“Why should that stop you? Our transport secretary recently awarded a £14m contract to a ferry firm that doesn’t have any ferries. No? Oh well. Suit yourself. How about you, madam? Fancy a job in the Cabinet?”

“Sorry, mister, my teacher says we have to get back on the school bus now.” In summary, then: it was a nice idea, but Mrs May was never likely to go for it. Funnily enough, she assumed it was simply Mr Bone’s way of angling for a post of his own.

“Well, I’ve heard some job applications in my time,” she said, “but that was an interesting one!”

Disappointingly, she didn’t indicate whether Mr Bone’s application had been successful. Perhaps she’s still waiting to hear back from all the tourists and schoolchildren.