Barclay banks on winning votes by trying to please everyone

Poor Stephen Barclay. The Brexit Secretary seems so anxious to avoid upsetting anyone. I wonder how he’d get on if, say, the Commons were to debate how to make tea.

Barclay: “And so, Mr Speaker, the Government’s position is clear: pour the tea in first, then add the milk.”

Tory MP 1: “Nonsense. It’s milk first.”

Barclay: “As my honourable friend rightly points out, it has to be milk first. And that’s always been very much the Government’s position.” Tory MP 2: “Ridiculous. Tea first.” Barclay: “Tea first, then milk. That’s the way this Government makes tea, and I’m happy to offer my honourable friend reassurance on that point. What I hope the whole House can agree on is that, whatever you put in first, milk is an integral component of a cup of tea.”

Tory MP 3: “Rubbish. What if you’re lactose intolerant?”

Barclay: “Mr Speaker, I’m delighted to reiterate that this Government has consistently opposed the use of milk in tea, or any other hot beverage, and –”

That’s what it was like, watching Mr Barclay at yesterday’s Brexit debate. The Government was desperate for every vote it could get. So one minute Mr Barclay would try to placate a furious Tory Brexiteer – and the next, he would try to placate a furious Tory Remainer. Whatever they said, Mr Barclay begged them to understand: the Government was on their side.

Funnily enough, neither Tory faction seemed convinced. If anything, they seemed crosser than ever.

And Labour had its own troubles. Chris Leslie (Lab, Nottingham East) said it was “heartbreaking” that his party still wasn’t campaigning for a second referendum. He was in no doubt who was to blame: Mr Corbyn.

“We’re being played for fools,” he fumed, “by the leadership of the Labour Party!”

Once, this sort of outburst would have been startling. Not any more. Now it’s perfectly normal. Parliamentary debate used to be Tories v Labour. Now it’s Tories v Tories, and Labour v Labour, the two patiently taking it in turns to lay into themselves. The Government must have known what was coming. Despite Mr Barclay’s best efforts, a member of the ERG – the trade union for Tory Brexiteers – confirmed to journalists that they would abstain on the day’s key vote. As the rest of the House trooped off toward the lobbies, the ERG sat defiantly in their seats. The Government was duly thumped, 303 votes to 258.

Mr Corbyn demanded an immediate response from Theresa May. However, the Prime Minister was nowhere to be seen. The Speaker invited Mr Barclay to respond on her behalf. He declined.

Perhaps he just couldn’t work out what to say. “Mr Speaker, the Government is naturally disappointed – and delighted – by this concerning – and encouraging – result …”