A lesson in evasion from Mrs May’s best pupil

Six months ago, few people outside Westminster – or indeed inside Westminster – had heard of Stephen Barclay.

Yet, when the role of Brexit Secretary once again fell vacant, Theresa May had no hesitation in appointing him. Despite Mr Barclay’s inexperience, the Prime Minister had evidently seen something in him: some special skill or talent. And I think I’ve worked out what it is.

He can dodge questions almost as shamelessly as she does.

Yesterday, MPS spent a long and fruitless hour trying to winkle any new information out of him. Sir Keir Starmer, the shadow Brexit secretary, asked him what concessions the Government had demanded from the EU.

Paul Blomfield, a shadow minister, asked him not once but twice whether the Government would vote to avert a no-deal Brexit if MPS reject Mrs May’s deal. But each time they extracted nothing but the purest waffle.

Sir Keir sagged. “This may be Brexit questions,” he groaned, “but it’s clearly not Brexit answers”.

Mr Barclay didn’t look at all put out. But then, he never does. No matter what pressure he’s put under, his manner remains bland, his voice calm, and his face expressionless. You might as well cross-examine a cloud.

Imagine what he was like at school. “Right, class. Let’s see who’s done their geography homework. Barclay! What’s the capital of Peru?”

“It’s the city that functions as the seat of government, sir.”

“Yes yes, Barclay, very clever. But what is it?”

“As I believe I have made clear, sir, the capital of Peru is the country’s administrative centre.”

“Well of course it’s the country’s administrative centre, Barclay. That’s what a capital is.

“But what I’m attempting in vain to ask you, you enraging little louse, is what’s this particular capital called?”

“I have already been asked this question on a number of occasions now, sir, but to be absolutely clear, I echo what my friend Jenkins said in mathematics earlier this week, which is that three times five is 15. He and I agree strongly on that point, and I’m happy to reiterate it today.”

“Barclay. I will ask you one more time. And unless you wish to spend your afternoon tied by the ankles to the fan on the staff room ceiling, I recommend that you answer. What. Is. The. Capital. Of. Peru?”

“I’m well aware, sir, that you keep returning to this issue concerning the capital of Peru, and in many ways I admire your persistence. But I think we need to remember there is a wider point here, which is that three times five – or, if you prefer, five times three, or three fives, or even five threes – is 15. This has consistently been my view, and I would gently suggest, sir, that teachers within this establishment should respect that position.”

Mrs May must be proud. A minister after her own heart.