Are Dutch children really the happiest?

The Netherlands always ranks well above Britain for national joy levels. Having recently moved her family there, Mandie Gower can see why

What are you doing to mark this year’s International Day of Happiness, which falls today? What’s that? Well, it’s a day started by UN special adviser Jayme Illien… oh, you meant what’s happiness? Touché. But sadly not surprising, if the increasingly anguished headlines about Britain’s plummeting levels of joy are anything to go by.

For parents, it’s particularly bleak. UK pupils are some of the unhappiest in the world, among the most anxious about school, and one in eight English children has a mental health problem. The Brits have the longest working hours in Europe, too, with families getting a measly 34 minutes of quality time a day together. Frankly, for British families, it seems a day dedicated to happiness is much needed.

Until last April, when we moved to the Netherlands with our children for my husband’s job, I was among their ranks. To be honest, I felt like one of the lucky ones, in a senior role as a magazine editor with understanding peers, some of whom were also parents. Nevertheless, being a working parent in Britain increasingly felt like something you were being punished for.

Childcare costs were like a second mortgage and school concerts frequently scheduled in the middle of the day, with little notice. And was it me or was the Tube getting busier? It all added excess minutes – sometimes hours – to a carefully orchestrated schedule, eating in to time with the children, never mind time to do anything else. I often found myself shelling out for a cab, rather than speed-walking the last mile home, in an attempt to see them before lights out. On several occasions I bumped into my husband doing the same thing. “It was your turn to get home on time,” we’d hiss at each other.

Like many, I’d read that Unicef rates Dutch children as the happiest in the world, but wondered how different family life there could really be. Surely, social media and screen time are global problems? Not to mention the infamous second shift of parenting, when we wearily open the laptop at 9.30pm to tackle admin rather than Netflix. If you’d asked us then what would make a happier family life, we’d have yelled “More time!”

In the Netherlands, we’ve got the next best thing. With 7.75million fewer people to jostle past, getting across Amsterdam is a breeze. My husband’s initial commute was a joyful six minutes, now it’s 25 – enough to raise eyebrows here, yet still a fraction of our hour or so missions of old. And of course “commute” here means on a bicycle, not a train horror show. Yes, cycling through rain in February is gruelling, but you get home full of endorphins, feeling heroic rather than murderous.

This extra time makes a massive difference to family life; mornings are less stressful, evenings actually exist. But coupled with clearer boundaries around work – leaving at 5pm is the norm in Dutch companies and they work the fewest hours in Europe – it’s a game changer. My daughter’s eyes still light up when I remind her Daddy will take her to her Friday afternoon swimming lesson.

Not that more time together always feels like the key to happiness. However fortunate I consider myself to be able to give up my job – albeit temporarily – on more than one occasion I’ve tearfully asked my husband if he thought the children would be happier back with their perma-cheery nanny who loved playing and hanging out in parks, instead of with their impatient mum.

Still, I’m in a great place to navigate it: the Dutch are the flexible kings and queens of Europe, with 50 per cent working part time (26.8 per cent of Fresh start: Mandie Gower and her daughters, Honor and Pearl men and 76.6 per cent of women work fewer than 36 hours a week). They’re not apologetic about it either. My neighbour looks genuinely confused when I tell her that part-time working parents in the UK often feel guilty for leaving “early”. “Oh no! We wouldn’t think about it in that way at all,” she says emphatically. “We do the work, and go.” And still they’re the ninth most productive country in the world (the UK comes 15th).

Still, old habits die hard. A recovering Londoner working for an international company, I know my husband feels the occasional pull between personal and professional. And if you’re thinking that Dutch children are happiest because their parents are always on hand to amuse them, think again. Yes, studies routinely cite playtime as crucial for happiness, but here it often means cycling to a nearby park with friends (no helmets), or being slung outdoors to chalk on the street. Parents here don’t hover or obsess over their children in the same way us Brits do.

And self-deprecation isn’t a bonding tool here. When a Dutch friend tells me that she’s left her toddler at home mid-nap with a monitor app on her phone, she admits she’s a little nervous, but at no point does she conflate it with being a “good” or “bad” parent. Just like letting my girls go to the postbox alone, stopping the #parentfail chat takes practice. But I can see us all walking a bit taller for it.

Jaws still clench when talk turns to ipads or Fortnite, and data suggests little difference between the amount of time Dutch and British teens spend on screens. But there’s certainly a lot less angst. “Mass hysteria isn’t very Dutch,” says British-born, Netherlands-based Michele Hutchison, co-author of The Happiest Kids in the World – Bringing up children the Dutch Way. “There’s less scaremongering in the media.”

At school, too, there seems less to kick against (and less requirement for costumes or baked goods). Over the last 10 months I’ve raised my eyebrows at lunches of chips and ice cream, and on one occasion watched dumbstruck as a class of seven-yearolds in swimsuits ran in different directions in a field full of cows, jumping over water-filled ditches. Unsurprisingly, while 73 per cent of British 15-year-old schoolgirls say they feel pressured by school work, just 40 per cent of Dutch girls agree.

Of course, it’s not perfect. Some argue the education system encourages mediocrity; a rising property market is pricing many families out of cities like Amsterdam; and last Friday teachers went on strike in an ongoing dispute about pay and workload.

The culture here gives kids freedom, independence and trust, and parents the chance to make mistakes. All these build resilience, self-esteem and confidence, which are key ingredients for happiness.

Just like “cyclist me” compared with “commuter me”, family life here feels more free. Less judged. Sure, Dutch and British societies are different beasts. But what I’ve seen could be put into practice at home. And realising that has made me happiest of all.

Being a working parent in Britain felt like something you were punished for