The truth about why Brits are the world’s biggest boozers

Can you touch your nose? Walk in a straight line? Say “The Leith police dismisseth us” without dissolving into a sibilance of giggles? Me neither. We’re probably hammered. What can I say? It’s cultural. The British get drunk more often than anyone else in the world.

According to the Global Drug Survey, Britannia may no longer rule the waves, but we have full command of the carafes, barrels and beer taps.

We get tipsy 51 times a year; the Americans can only manage 50.3 boozefests; and behind them lag Canada, Australia, Denmark and India.

The question is: why do we drink so much? To fuzz the edges. To forget. To gain perspective. To lose inhibitions. To make socialising more bearable. To make solitude less lonely. To get laid. As a substitute for getting laid.

That’s me covered, then. The truth is that being tipsy is a lovely, pleasantly discombobulating feeling. Being drunk is a lot less lovely, it sneaks up on you, somewhere between finishing the last bottle and uncorking the next.

My daughter is 17 and busy negotiating her relationship with alcohol. I know she doesn’t heed a word of my advice. Why should she? She’s witnessed me fizzing with delight at the unmistakable pop of champagne being opened and her father nursing a glass of Glenmorangie like it was a royal newborn.

Weirdly, it is legal for a child to drink at home from the age of five. I know, right? What a waste of Bombay Sapphire that would be.

From what I gather, teenagers’ drink of choice is Fruit Fusion – wine “crafted” with peach and mango.

I could disapprove, but at her age I was necking Lambrini, so I’m hardly a role model. I’m quietly biding my time. It’s just a phase and, as it draws to an end, I intend to introduce her to the rather more upmarket, eye-wateringly expensive output of Burgundy and Bordeaux. The only way to prevent the next generation from carrying on the traditional weekly binge is by educating their palates far beyond their income. Let’s raise a glass to that.