The mystery of my missing Tory ballot paper

Iwas really looking forward to voting in the leadership election for that incorrigible “peddler of optimism”, Mr B. Johnson, but ballot paper came there none. Puzzled, I rang up CCHQ to ask what had happened. The phone rang and rang. Eventually, a bored girl answered and gave me another number to ring. When I finally got through, I was told: “Sorry, we have no record of you.”

Just a teensy bit put out, I found my membership card and got in touch with my local association. It turns out that South Cambridgeshire has been in a certain amount of, ahem, disarray since the departure of the Deputy Chairman (Membership), Phil Allen, husband of the serial defector Heidi. The lovely new person said that, sadly, my membership appeared to have lapsed.

Really? I pointed out that I hadn’t had a renewal letter or notification of any kind. I have also heard from several other Tory members that they had not received ballot papers. I have been sent some conspiracy theories about all those missing ballots. “Pretend you’re voting for Hunt and it will arrive by return of post,” jibed one cynic.

Mainly, though, it seems to be down to a chaotic mismatch between the party centralising membership admin, but leaving local payments in place.

Party chairman Brandon Lewis kindly got in touch to try to help, but it’s too late for me this time. Do let me know if you’ve had trouble getting a ballot. I joined the party in 2016 to vote for a new leader, but we were fobbed off with Theresa May. This time, thank goodness, it’s up to members.

They understand that, if Boris isn’t declared our prime minister this time next week, there will be no party left by Guy Fawkes Night. And we can all hurl our invalid membership cards on the bonfire.