What your financial affairs say about your relationship
As joint bank accounts lose their appeal, what will that mean for your marriage, asks Rosa Silverman
‘Keep your hands off of my stack,” sang Pink Floyd in Money. This might serve well as the battle cry of a new generation of women when it comes to their personal finances. While the majority of over-55s have chosen to share their wealth with their partners, their daughters and granddaughters have taken a different approach, jettisoning the “what’s mine is yours” mantra for “what’s mine is mine”.
A survey of nearly 4,000 women found that 31 per cent of those aged between 16 and 34 opted against sharing financial assets with their significant other. This change in pecuniary affairs has been attributed to various social factors. Women are getting married later in life than previously, which often means they have built up careers and financial reserves well before they settle down, sometimes having bought their own property. And although divorce rates have dropped lately, they are higher among older people. Which could mean younger women are watching their parents split up, and taking care to ensure they themselves are prepared, should their own relationship end the same way.
According to the study by Netwealth, an investment service, 45 per cent of women keeping their wealth separate cite a desire to maintain financial independence, while 15 per cent do not believe their partner is entitled to their assets. “The traditional approach to managing finances jointly is being overturned by a new generation of financially more autonomous females,” said Charlotte Ransom, Netwealth’s chief executive. Which, she suggested, was “unsurprising” in the circumstances.
So how are couples now arranging their financial affairs? And what does it say about them?
Proportional representation
Under this arrangement, each person pays a portion of their income into a joint account, strictly in proportion to what each of them earns. “We use the joint account for household expenses, bills, anything to do with the children,” says Fiona, a 47-year-old mother-oftwo who works in the media in London and outearns her husband. “The money I have left over after paying my share into the joint account is mine, for me to spend on whatever I like. It means I don’t have to justify my spending to anyone except myself.” Psychologist’s view: “This is my favourite set-up, and the one I have myself,” says Linda Blair, a clinical psychologist. “It works to agree the running costs of the house and then put that into an account and review it every six months. It avoids arguments and reduces guilt in both partners because you can spend your nonhousehold money where you like.”
The secret savers
These couples contribute jointly to the running of the household, but the woman has her own private savings account, which her husband may not even know about, and certainly cannot access. “My parents divorced when I was nine and my financially incontinent father left my mother in a large amount of debt,” says Jenny, a 40-year-old secondary school teacher from the Home Counties who identifies as a secret saver. “My mother had given up work when she had children but, after she and my father split up, she had to work two jobs to support us. I remember thinking, ‘I’ll never fully rely on a man. I will always have my own cushion.’ That is why I never gave up work after having children, even though my husband earns good money as a lawyer.” Jenny
has paid into her savings account since the age of 21 – well before she met her husband – always managing to set aside at least £100 a month. “As long as you’ve got your own savings you can enjoy your money,” she says. “My husband doesn’t know how much is in my savings account. I don’t intentionally keep it from him, it’s more that it’s my little pot. It’s like having a safety net.”
Psychologist’s view: Blair warns: “Whenever there are secrets in a relationship, it’s an implication of distrust, so you’re building distrust into the relationship. But to keep a separate account (that your partner knows about) and say ‘I’m not going to tell you how much is in it’ is fine.”
His and hers accounts
Eschewing the bother of a joint account, some couples each have their own, roughly working out who should pay what, and transferring money between themselves when the need arises. Under this system, which works best when there isn’t a big gap between salaries, both spend more or less the same on family and household outgoings. “I pay for the childcare, he pays the mortgage,” says Beatrice, a 36-year-old writer from Leeds, whose husband does a similar job.
“If I buy all the flights for one holiday, he will do the same next time around. It’s not an exact science, and sometimes I’m into my overdraft without realising he’s still got plenty left. But he’ll always transfer money to me if I’m short. We have more or less divided all the direct debits between us. Although our system is a bit haphazard, I like knowing that if I want to spend £100 on a jumper, he won’t see it on a bank statement and judge me.”
Psychologist’s view: “The three areas couples fight about most are sex, money and parenting. You avoid a lot of problems by keeping separate accounts. It also means you can surprise your partner with a gift.”
The separate property owners
Holding on to their own properties even once they’ve met “the one” can represent a form of independence for some women.
Hazel, 38, who works in marketing in Bristol, got together with her partner Simon when she was 33, by which point she was in the process of buying her own flat. Her partner, a freelancer whose earnings fluctuate, moved into her flat and made a contribution to the mortgage and bills. Now she has moved into his, but hopes to keep her own flat indefinitely.
“My mum was a housewife and my dad was the breadwinner, but I like the idea of having my own financial safety net,” she explains. “I think Simon probably feels the same, and that we’ll always retain some financial independence, even if we have children in the future. We’re moving towards greater integration, but we’ll always keep separate accounts.” Psychologist’s view: “There’s been a rise in couples ‘living apart together’ and it seems to be linked with much more happiness and freedom on the part of each person. Part of that is keeping separate accounts.”
‘I like knowing that if I want to spend £100 on a jumper, he won’t see it on a bank statement and judge me’