12 surprising things you learnt about your spouse this summer
Emily Maitlis said in a recent interview that she and her husband are “like ships that pass in the night”, and many of us will heave a sigh of recognition as we get back to normal after all those summer days spent like shipmates in each other’s company.
Holidays with your husband (and vice versa) are a bit like catching up with a friend you used to know really well but haven’t seen lately; you’re reminded of all the things you liked, the things you didn’t love so much, and then you find out lots of new things about them that you didn’t know before. Here are some holiday discoveries that may sound familiar:
He’s become completely addicted to satnav. It’s like in-car entertainment. The phone goes in the cup holder by the gear stick and he keeps glancing down at it, as if it were the cricket, even though the voice directions are on at full volume. You are travelling the same four-mile route you’ve been travelling all week and you’ve got the silky voiced lady bleating “slide right… then take the second exit…” as if you are a total stranger to the area who has memory issues.
He won’t go into shops other than Co-op or the vintage record store in the market. In every other shop he looks like he’s a plant wearing a mic, trying to entrap the vendor, and he has his arms behind him at all times, or folded, because he thinks he’s going to knock something over. This agony lasts for 45 seconds and then he leaves and goes and stands outside looking at his phone.
The phone. What’s happened? He’s on his phone much more than last year. It’s like the satnav development.
He still can’t cut a tomato right. Still can’t identify herbs either: when asked to pick up some thyme – arguably the most easily identifiable herb after basil – he actually came back with rosemary. We’re no great shakes in the kitchen ourselves but, duh.
He still can’t tell the difference between a swimming towel and a regular towel.
Chargers are an issue. You will say, don’t forget the charger. Have you remembered the charger? And he leaves the charger in the hotel room every single time.
He still has no respect for sun cream. Won’t register the critical difference between La Roche-posay for the face and any old supermarket slather for the body. Never mind the amount. The amount he’ll happily squirt around is MAD.
Apparently he now drinks flat whites (semi-skimmed). Since when? (Note: strange but true, a cappuccino is now a somewhat unsophisticated choice of coffee – a bit like asking for a shandy.)
He’s now eating in an eight-hour period. At first we thought this was our imagination, but no – he is actively restricting his food intake to the recommended eight-hour window as practised by weight-loss miracle Timothy Spall. And not advertising it. Slightly weird?
He now has a holiday wardrobe. As in clothes he only wears in a summer holiday situation which he keeps separate from the rest. Really? This so wasn’t the case last year; he used to just remove a layer when on holiday and add shorts. Now he has special lightweight trainers and pastel-coloured shirts.
He won’t read normal books any more. Time was when he’d happily have a crack at a Lorrie Moore, but not any more. Now it’s all Interesting Moths of Suffolk, or whatever’s been most recently published in the D-day, Dunkirk, Battle of Britain canon.
He now has an opinion about your choices. Your straw hat (is it a bit agricultural?); your lipstick colour (is it too dark?); spec frames (a bit Dana Carvey?). It is blindingly obvious that he has not actually taken the trouble to pause and look at you since July 2018.
Here’s to next year’s surprises.
He used to just remove a layer and add shorts. Now he has special lightweight trainers and pastel shirts