Yes, it’s rubbish – but a dose of ‘Downton’ is just what we need
Early reports from critics suggest that the film of Downton Abbey is, ahem, more below-stairs than top drawer. TV shows rarely make a successful transition to the big screen (Mission Impossible is the exception). Downton was never really significant enough as drama to bear too much scrutiny – more a soapy bar of Imperial Leather than The Crown.
Fans will buy a ticket anyway. We can’t wait to see how dear Lord and Lady Grantham cope with an oh-so-relaxing visit from the King and Queen. Mrs Patmore will be doing her nut in the
kitchen, steam coming out of her ears under her mob cap. Daisy will be “helping” (looking gormless, adding salt to the custard for the trifle).
Dear old Carson will be so desperate to maintain standards for their royal highnesses that his eyebrows will be twitching like a pair of mating stoats. Dowager Countess Violet will be firing off bon mots from a pump-action shotgun in a failed attempt to do down the eager-as-a-springerspaniel Mrs Crawley.
“What is a weekend?” (Honestly, how much do we love Dame Maggie Smith?) If you want someone to be even frostier and more imperious than Queen Mary, then the smart money’s on Violet.
Tom the former chauffeur will be tangled up in something dodgy with Irish republicans. Thomas the footman will do something utterly vile, but will be redeemed because he is a repressed homosexual, poor thing. Lady Cora will reassure Lord Grantham he has done awfully well as she puts cold cream on her face before bed.
Lord Grantham will take the side of his servants against the snobbish King. Lady Edith will get in a huff because Lady Mary was preferred in the seating plan and is STILL PRETTIER. I forget who Lady Mary was married to the last time we met in 2015, but she will have at least two puppy-eyed Adonises trotting after her. Some people have strings to their bow; Mary has beaux to her string.
It will all be terribly predictable and faintly ridiculous and bear only the faintest resemblance to British history. Good. Familiarity breeds content. After the bruising and battering of Brexit, I reckon Downton is just what we need. Can we have it on TV at Christmas, please?