I was an eco-warrior once – I just didn’t know it
There is precious little humour to be found in the “climate emergency”, but it was hard not to smile at a banner spotted in Westminster on Monday, which proclaimed: “Extinction Rebellion St Albans.” The last person to say those words was Boadicea, from her chariot, and it didn’t end well.
A group of Lib Dem herbivores had clearly travelled up from their blameless Hertfordshire city to lay siege, along with thousands of others, to the evil capital, while “dancing their feelings” and pitching tents outside the Home Office, where any parked car would be blown up after 10 minutes. But let no one suggest they were unprepared.
“Have you remembered to pack the falafels, Frieda?”
“’Course I have, Jonquil. I hope you’ve brought the Araldite, so we can glue ourselves together under a hearse. Graham said it was terribly symbolic.”
“Of driving a big, gas-guzzling car without insurance?”
“No, silly, of death coming to take us all away when CO2 levels become unsustainable. I need to have a wee first, though. My bladder’s not what it used to be.”
“Don’t worry, I think Gaia’s got a funnel thingy she found in a skip outside that hospital she blockaded. Some poor man died in an ambulance, but it was all in a good cause! Saffron’s bringing her yoga mat to lie on and Zeek’s made a tambour out of a butternut squash and catgut.”
“Not from the new kitten. Not dear little Thunberg?”
“Good lord, no. Dawkins. High time he was recycled. We got lots of wool, enough for two ponchos, and Allegra’s made some super goat biltong. Chewy, but quite Waitrose Deli.”
“I suppose we can always nip into Mcdonald’s in extremis.”
“Frieda, please! ‘Beef equals grief ’, remember. Bill Gates says cow farts are one of the worst contributors to climate change.”
“A food-intolerance workshop did wonders for mine.”
It’s easy to satirise the Extinction Rebellion brigade. Undoubtedly, their Lefty self-righteousness irritates a lot of people, as does their mysterious lack of employment.
The fact is that many of us are sympathetic to their cause, but cringe at their methods. I don’t know enough about climate change, but in a week when it was revealed that the average child owns six pairs of trainers, how many people don’t think consumerism is out of control?
I hate seeing little children in buggies, their faces level with fumes. I loathe seeing sea creatures snared in plastic. I can’t abide the destruction of woodland. I don’t want a world that doesn’t contain giraffes.
During my childhood, green was still a colour, not a creed, but we were all environmentally friendly. My mother shopped locally, at the butcher and the greengrocer, and cooked fresh. We ate red meat infrequently; roast lamb or beef every other Sunday, the leftovers fed through a Spong mincer to make cottage pie for Monday. The most exotic thing in the fruit bowl was a banana.
Milk was delivered every day in recyclable bottles. We drank water from the tap, and “pop” was a special treat. One bin in the kitchen held the family’s rubbish for a week. My mother made many of our clothes, darned socks and let down hems when my sister and I shot up. We had school shoes, slippers for home and patent party shoes for special occasions. I saved my pocket money to buy one precious pair of platforms (Freeman Hardy Willis, £9.99).
My mother was a stern invigilator of the immersion heater. Cleanliness may be next to godliness, but hot water was an extravagance to be rationed, and I treasure baths to this day.
I walked to school and back, a mile each way, up to the age of 11, then took the bus. There were no overweight kids in my class. I didn’t go abroad until I was 16, on a cross-channel ferry that moaned like a brontosaurus in labour. We holidayed in Wales or Cornwall. I got on my first plane when I was 19.
We didn’t know we were eco-warriors, but we trod lightly on the Earth and our carbon footprint was the smallest size of plimsoll. Extinction Rebellion would definitely have approved. If only they could rein in the civil disobedience and cut the dreadlocks, they would get their message across to so many more people. I’m ready to hear that I should shop locally, use public transport and consume fewer cows. Just don’t ask me to dance my feelings, OK?