Bashful Bashir makes the new X Factor a real weepie
After 15 years of X Factor making nobodies into stars and millions for his Syco label in the process, Simon Cowell got bored. (Or maybe he realised the show’s viewing figures have been gradually on the slide.) “And so it’s time to try something different,” asserted Cowell in the first episode of the show’s new format, The X Factor: Celebrity (ITV, Saturday) where C-list celebs compete.
“My credibility is at stake. If it doesn’t work I look like a total idiot,” he said. At first it was unclear as to whether Cowell was referencing the show, or his alarmingly muscular new veneers, until four 2018 Love Islanders (Wes, Zara, Samira and Eyal) pulled up outside his Malibu home, ready to audition as a “supergroup” (their epithet) in front of judges Cowell, Louis Walsh and Nicole Scherzinger.
And so, a motley crew of grinning contestants trickled onto Cowell’s poolside patio – from Strictly Come Dancing’s Brendan Cole and Jeremy Edwards to suited-up broadcaster Martin Bashir, via model and daughter of David Hasselhoff, Hayley. Neither the contestants nor the judges had any idea of the line-up; a clever trick that pumped the episode with an energy the show’s previous incarnation was severely lacking. Instead, the first 30 minutes felt juicy with the prospect of gossip and drama. Who would feel slighted at having to explain why they’re famous? (Love Actually’s Olivia Olson). Between whom would sparks fly? (15-year-old Youtubers Harvey and Max’s eyes were drawn as girl-group V5 tottered in on their stilettos.) Whose C-list egos would clash? (Many.)
The stakes felt – superficially – higher than they ever did on regular X Factor, with celebrities putting their reputations (some bigger than others) on the line. Highlights included the excruciating moment Edwards revealed a voice that should only ever grace a shower cubicle, and when the judges could only feebly muster “What a great song!”, after Hayley Hasselhoff attempted to follow her father’s legacy as one of BMG’S top-selling artists (a fact Cowell and Walsh oafishly interrupted Hayley’s onstage introduction to discuss.)
There was, of course, a tear-jerking backstory. Martin Bashir dedicated his sweet and shy performance of L-O-V-E by Nat King Cole to his brother Tommy, who died of muscular dystrophy in 1991. “He couldn’t feed himself from the age of 13, so you feel like you have no excuse turning down opportunities,” said Bashir, while Scherzinger conspicuously patted her moistening eyes. My eyes were no dryer, and Bashir, looking stunned, received a standing ovation. It was a truly joyous bit of television and the best moment of the episode, proving that X Factor hasn’t changed so much after all, and neither do we want it to. Eleanor Halls
It can’t be easy going incognito when you’re the Prime Minster’s father but Stanley Johnson hardly helped himself on Celebrity Hunted (Channel 4, Sunday). Despite his real-life espionage experience, the hapless septuagenarian’s hilarious lack of basic spy-craft skills stole the show.
Johnson Sr has admitted his recruitment to the intelligence services in 1964 and subsequent spook training, yet he hopped into a custard yellow jeep (hardly inconspicuous) and used his bank card to make purchases, alerting his pursuers to his location. He declined to take discreet back roads and blithely drove down motorways lined with traffic cameras.
He was caught on CCTV buying a burner phone, enabling the hunters to intercept his calls, and rather than camp out, he checked into a hotel under his own name. Partner-in-crime Georgia “Toff ” Toffolo gnashed her teeth in frustration, as did us viewers.
As the reality chase thriller returned for a special for Stand Up To Cancer, eight famous faces – OK, famous might be overstating it in some cases – went on the run and tried to evade capture.
Rugby players Gavin Henson and Martin Offiah bickered like longsuffering spouses as they hid out in a holiday cottage in north Wales, and chefs Aldo Zilli and Jean-christophe Novelli tried too hard to prove how flamboyant they were, which mainly involved shouting at each other in comedy accents.
Most entertainment, however, came from the cavalier Johnson. Quaffing champagne on an old pal’s country estate, he burbled: “We got here in one swell foop. I mean, fell swoop. If this is being a fugitive, it’s rather agreeable.” He promptly misread a map and got lost. Now that’s what I call class. Michael Hogan
The X Factor: Celebrity ★★★★ Celebrity Hunted ★★★