The Daily Telegraph

I’d rather a naff Gothic demon bed than yet another cushion

- jemima lewis follow Jemima Lewis on Twitter @gemimsy; read more at telegraph.co.uk/opinion

It takes a lot of money and skill to create something as hideous as Keith Flint’s bed. A massive cradle of carved oak – designed by the late Prodigy singer and put up for auction last night – it has twisting cast-iron legs shaped like briar branches covered in thorns. At its foot, a winged demon squats on its haunches, with a staircase running up its back to allow easy access into this crib of nightmares. It looks spooky and fantastica­l, but above all horribly naff – like a prop that never got used on Game of Thrones, because surely even the mad Khaleesi would have better taste in furnishing­s.

Still – I kind of like it. It’s revolting, but not boring. You couldn’t carry it home in the back of your car and screw it together with an Allen key. It isn’t made from pale ash or raffia. Under no circumstan­ces could you give it the appellatio­n “Scandi”. Instead it is full – overstuffe­d – with character.

For reasons of both fashion and practicali­ty, modern homes don’t tend to have much of this magic quality. Character comes from the accrual of “stuff ”: furniture and knick-knacks passed down the generation­s, as well as the bits you choose or make yourself. This palimpsest of layered belongings tells a story, about its owner’s age, class and interests.

But British homes are shrinking: the average new-built is 32 per cent smaller than one built in the Seventies. And astronomic­al house prices mean that anyone under 40 is more likely to rent than buy. This generation never stays put long enough for the clutter to settle. Nor do they have the space to house granny’s mahogany sideboard. Ikea’s latest annual report shows a dispiritin­g surge in small, easily-dismantled pieces of furniture that can be moved from flat to flat.

It’s not that renters are less house proud. On the contrary: in recent years, interior design has been democratis­ed. If you can’t afford to buy your own nest, you can at least feather it. Anyone can browse Pinterest or Instagram for “inspo”, and then nip to H&M for a rose gold toothbrush holder to brighten things up. “Fast furniture” – cheap, massproduc­ed homeware lines that change constantly, like fast fashion – is one of the few booming retail sectors in the UK.

But fashion is almost the opposite of character. Fashion is about striving to be different and ending up the same. You think you’re an individual, and then you realise you’ve painted your sitting room teal and scattered it with mustard yellow cushions, just like everyone else. At least Keith Flint never did that.

One interiors trend I’ll be glad to see the back of is the proliferat­ion of houseplant­s. I loathe and recoil from these green intruders. Why should we have them in our homes? What have they ever done for us, except sit around on shelves, drooping accusingly?

“Plants are known to reduce stress and lower certain pollutants,” says an internet article. What tosh. Anything that needs to be fed only increases stress. It’s hard enough keeping children, spouses and pets alive, without bringing a silent botanical ingrate to the table.

Now American scientists have discovered that plants can’t even do their one domestic chore properly. They purify the air so slowly and grudgingly that you’d need up to 1,000 plants per square meter to have the same effect as opening a window. Turf out these celluloid slackers, I say, and get a scatter cushion instead.

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