Solving the organ ‘mystery’ does women no favours

It’s time we had a talk. About, you know, women’s anatomy and stuff. I may have studied biology to A-level but speaking as someone who once appeared on Woman’s Hour to talk about bras yet was so embarrassed I insisted (and persisted) in calling them “foundation garments”, this is a little awkward.

So let me begin with an icebreaker: what’s the difference between a kebab shop and a clitoris? Men have no problem finding a kebab shop. Even when they’re drunk.

Now a British scientist claims to have solved “the ongoing mystery” of what this organ is “for”. Obviously pleasure wasn’t quite a good enough reason to explain its existence.

Apparently the clitoris has an important reproductive function too. When it is stimulated (sorry, getting a bit graphic, Lady Violet) it triggers internal changes, making reproduction more likely. Apart from the obvious, ahem, enthusiasm this generates for the act, the clitoris plays a pivotal role in shifting the cervix, thus preventing sperm from entering the uterus too rapidly, before they

have had a chance to activate.

Well that’s a relief to know. Or is it? Writing in the Clinical Anatomy journal, sexual health expert Dr Roy Levin said he had reviewed 36 papers and had concluded: “The often repeated mantra that the sole function of the clitoris is to induce sexual pleasure is now obsolete.” Thanks a bunch. He doesn’t mention what Mrs Levin (if there is one) has to say on the subject but I’m wishing he’d left well alone. I know romance is dead, but must science rob us of all mystique?

Dr Levin has done feminism no favours. The average British suitor already struggles to know what he’s doing or where he’s supposed to be doing it. By way of apology I suggest his next undertaking should be to develop a GPS for this most unknown clitoral terrain (would it be too naughty to call it a CPS?). Kebab shop co-ordinates optional.