My son will love his late christening – especially if he’s old enough to DJ

For years I told people the reason my younger son remained un-christened was because I’m a terminal procrastinator who never does today what they can put off for a decade. Now, thanks to David and Victoria Beckham, who celebrated the christenings of their two youngest sprogs, Cruz, 14, and Harper, 8, on Saturday, I can change my narrative. I’m actually at the vanguard of fashionable society, waiting until my 11-yearold’s old enough to boogie at his own baptism.

I’m even considering postponing for another five years, so he can DJ. If only I’d made this case last week at our local church’s carol concert when I promised our vicar once again that this year would be the one in which I took my little heathen to God.

Come to think of it, there are only upsides to a delayed christening service. My boy is unlikely to wail when our vicar sluices holy water all over his forehead. He will actively enjoy the liturgical theatre of renouncing the devil and all his works. This, after all, is the child who when asked, aged five, to sit still and think about “Granny looking down from heaven” before the start of the matriarch’s funeral, replied cheerily, “Or looking up from hell!” Before adding, “Isn’t that where the fun people will be?” (Come to think of it, there’s a small but real chance he’ll embrace Satan and the whole thing will have to be called off.)

Then there’s the fact that the very last time in all your life you’ll want to cater for scores of friends and family is when you have a baby and leaking breasts and are baying at the moon at 3am. Wait until the child is older and it can be a proper bash with people you really love – not the mums you only knew because they attended the same group. It’s the best excuse for a big, jolly mid-life party without having to remarry or tell the whole world your precise age.

As an added bonus, you can make a full review of the godparents based on their actual performance – that’s presuming you asked three or four close friends to take on that role in the year after your child’s birth, which most of us do in a burst of hormone-related euphoria.

If you’re anything like me, one of those pals won’t be quite as “close” as they were a decade ago and one (almost certainly male) will have forgotten every single birthday and your son’s name, but two will have proven exemplary and will be rewarded by an actual church service at which they can wear best togs, be centre of attention, pretend they’re going to invest in your child’s spiritual wellbeing and be plied with champagne afterwards.

Meanwhile, the dud ones can be discreetly replaced. If you’re the Beckhams, you can upgrade from WAGS to Hollywood celebs, like Eva Longoria and Marc Anthony. Victoria Beckham showed great foresight in asking her hairdresser Ken Pavés to be a godparent, meaning Harper will have good hair days for most of her life – pretty much every adult woman’s dearest wish.

I have started looking round my circle of acquaintances with an ever-beadier eye. When I was tiny, godparents gave silver spoons, homilies and an occasional tenner. Now it’s all about internships and access to holiday villas in Greece. Although what the 11-year-old really needs now is a godfather with a Manchester United season ticket and a fashionista to advise him on pendants and trainers.

Hang on a mo… Dear David and Victoria Beckham, would you consider being my son’s fairy godparents?