WALDEN’S WORLD

The fine art of leaving without further adieu

Tonight I will attend my 657th and penultimate party of the year – slipping away before the end, as always, without saying goodbye. This is known as an “Irish goodbye”, I’ve just learned, and although not without its perils (it can be seen as rude) means you won’t lose another half-hour of life to an overly formal and vaguely pompous song-anddance of an exit (let’s call it the “Von Trapp auf Wiedersehen”) that leaves everyone wishing you’d never been invited at all.

I’ve become fascinated by the different forms of party exit this Christmas – maybe because they say so much more about you than hellos. “The Brexit” – where you’ve spent the entire night insisting you’re “going to be off ”, without making any discernible headway, is, of course, the most popular. Then there’s “The Corbynbye” where, despite increasingly heavy hints that “it might be time to go”, you persist in sticking around until the management threatens to have you removed by security.

And finally, “The Prince Andrew” exit, which involves self-aggrandising but garbled explanations as to why you have to leave: “Because I’m a bit too honourable, I promised I’d get up early tomorrow morning and help a friend in need. Before that, I need to get to Woking…”

– with any apology conspicuously absent. So as you take your leave of that last party of the year on New Year’s Eve, remember to keep it short, sharp and, crucially, timely. The only thing that should be outstaying its welcome from today onwards is that extendable waistband.