In 2019, a ‘bumpy year’ wasn’t restricted to the royals alone
Spectacular understatement and diplomacy collided this week in the Queen’s speech, which she used to describe 2019 as a “bumpy year”. Alternatives for accurately charting how horribilis Her Majesty’s annus has been presumably included hellscape and downright stinker, though both are admittedly less festive than her version. Between a constitutional crisis, rumours of her grandsons at war and a scandal involving a Surrey pizza chain, the past 12 months have indeed been tricky. But having a “bumpy” 2019 isn’t just consigned to the royals ...
Jolyon Maugham
Turns out Boxing Day walks and turkey leftovers are totally 2018: the real way to spend one’s waking hours on December 26 is to club a fox to death with a baseball bat while hung-over and wearing a too-small kimono, according to Jolyon Maugham QC. Tweeting of his dispatching the early morning visitor to his 179,000 followers went less well than the prominent barrister probably hoped, with the “foxing day” incident being reported to the RSPCA. It was unclear whether critics found his attire or the act itself most unsettling, but we can all agree that neither was a great look.
Finally emerging from being voluntarily locked in a cupboard for the majority of the past decade would be cause for celebration for most. Not so for the Wikileaks founder, however, who was hauled out of the Ecuadorian embassy by police looking like a woodland animal freshly unearthed from beneath a rock. Bad houseguest behaviour – Assange had, according to the president of Ecuador, been riding his skateboard down the hallway and smearing faeces on the walls – finally got him the boot in April after a seven-year stay. In further rent-free accommodation wangling, he is now holed up at Belmarsh Prison awaiting his extradition hearing in February; state of the walls as yet unknown.
Jennifer Arcuri
Who is this woman and what does she do? Two valid questions to which the end of the year sadly has not produced the answer, but we’ll give it a bash: “entrepreneur”
Arcuri is said to have received favourable treatment from Boris Johnson during his time as mayor of London, receiving tens of thousands of pounds in business grants and sponsorship and joining him on two overseas trade missions. No personal interest was declared at the time, an investigation this year found, while the prime minister has since denied one ever existed. It was all rumbling along quietly until Arcuri, whose company focuses on “ethical hacking” (delay the head-scratching, there’s more) decided to go full jilted ex – all the while insisting that no romantic relationship had occurred between the pair, as was widely suggested. The 34-yearold Californian embarked on a publicity tour in which she took to daytime television and the tabloids to describe Mr Johnson, who she called “Alex the Great” (a nod to his first name, Alexander, and apparent penchant for conflict obsessed autocrats) as having “cast me aside like a gremlin”. Among less printable things.
The highlight of the saga was surely her being chastised by Lorraine Kelly for refusing to answer the allegations levelled, which Arcuri could barely comprehend through the presenter’s Glasgow brogue. Having only months prior manoeuvered her way out of a £1.2 million tax bill, Kelly’s taking anyone to task over eyebrow-raising dealings easily ranked it among the best ever 33 seconds of daytime telly. It was even better than when they invited Bounce the labrador on to BBC News as a studio guest, and that’s saying something.
Pizza Express
Truly, a turnaround in fortunes for the restaurant that in October was said to have called in creditors and was by November fending off bookings by the bucketload (we assume) at its Woking branch thanks to a royal visit. In spite of happening in 2001, tales of Prince Andrew’s trip there became a matter of public importance after being used as his alibi against allegations of sexual abuse. Tripadvisor reviews for the establishment have since been suspended, which is a blessing for all concerned.
Change UK
In other news of dubious fast-food encounters, the image of Nando’s took a turn after a photo of the artist formerly known as The Independent Group (TIG) dining there made it onto social media back in February. The image, which featured Anna Soubry, Chuka Umunna, Heidi Allen et al tucking into some peri peri, has become a kind of artefact, documenting a moment in which they had apparently been led to believe TIG, later rebranded as Change UK, might take off. Which it sort of did – very far away, along with its members’ political careers.
For those with little interest in football and less still in Instagram, the Wagatha Christie debacle might have passed you by entirely. But when Colleen Rooney posted that she believed the wife of Leicester City striker Jamie Vardy was guilty of shopping tales of her house being flooded to the tabloids – one of several scintillating falsehoods Rooney had shared on her private account after suspecting someone from her circle was leaking stories to the press – it spawned not just memes but a movement. There were novelty socks. There were bathmats. Heck, people even dressed up as the hunted-turned-hound for Hallowe’en.
Vardy denied any involvement and said she was conducting her own investigation into her social media account being used for nefarious purposes, but it only fanned the flames; millions tuned in to see the war of the Wags play out. Expect a seven-series Netflix deal come 2020.