When I heard about Caroline Flack, my first thought was: ‘There but for the grace of God...’

Bryony Gordon on the lessons we must learn from this tragedy

‘We should all think about how easily we can shame others’

Shame is the most toxic of emotions, a stealthy, silent, steadfast poison that stops people from seeking the help they need. Shame is anger’s far more dangerous cousin: insidious, invisible, often lurking behind impressively put-together fronts.

After years of hearing stories of mental illness, it would not be an exaggeration for me to say that people die of shame. They would rather disappear than live for one more minute with the exhausting horror of it.

In a previously unpublished Instagram post, Caroline Flack spoke with heartbreaking clarity of her shame.

“I’ve accepted shame and toxic opinions on my life for over 10 years and yet told myself it’s all part of my job. No complaining. The problem with brushing things under the carpet is […] one day someone is going to lift that carpet up and all you are going to feel is shame and embarrassment.”

Caroline was clearly ashamed of what had happened that night in December, which led to the CPS pressing charges against her – so ashamed, perhaps, that she took her own life.

Many have since taken to social media in an attempt to fight shame with … well, shame. Shame on the CPS for deciding to press charges, shame on the newspapers for treating this woman’s life as some sort of soap opera, shame on anyone who has ever posted a trolling comment on Instagram or Twitter or Facebook.

Shame, shame, shame, breeding in the Petri dish of social media and celebrity.

We could all do with thinking about the ease with which we can shame people nowadays, the absolute effortlessness of passing judgment.

I didn’t know Caroline Flack well, but what I did know of her told me she was a woman after my heart, with relatability that made her such a hugely popular presenter.

We never met, but I sensed a kindred spirit.

Ten years ago, I wrote a piece defending her for dating the much younger Harry Styles, then a singer with One Direction, and she got in touch to thank me for my support. We stayed in contact via Twitter and then Instagram, and would message from time to time, most recently a month or so ago.

I wish I had known the extent of the shame she was feeling. I wish I could have told her that when I read about the 5am incident with her boyfriend, my first thought was: “There but for the grace of God go I...”.

I wish we were all more accepting of the fact human beings do things they are ashamed of all the time.

Like a vampire, shame dies when you expose it to the light. It does not have to die with you.