SHANE WATSON

COLUMNIST

Arguments had: 4 Glasses drunk: lost count Zoom exercise classes: 0 Tech meltdowns: 5 Foreign languages learned: 0

I’m used to working from home. Not much of an adjustment, you’d have thought. Ha.

Day One: we sort out His “workstation” – which turns out to be the entire kitchen. By lunch He starts to wonder why “we” aren’t a “bit more organised” on the food front? Cue argument one (though secretly I can’t believe it either, but pre-lockdown I was so paralysed I could only buy anchovies).

It becomes clear that the future belongs to a) the people who can remember their Apple ID and download all the Zoom/houseparty apps now critical for survival. And b) the activities people. Everyone but me has a goal, such as doing a tapestry or learning German. All I can manage is a Whatsapp group video call. Which is really fun, particularly with the nonagenarian parents when you have to talk to an ear.

Day Two: Have three separate family video calls a day now, several Facetimes, a ton of Whatsapp conversations. Feeling exercise pressure. Every time I Facetime anyone they are rosy cheeked and slightly panting having just done a Facebook live class. Have argument three, the inevitable one: why am I taking out the washing. which has been within yards of his workstation?

Day Three: Getting fat on the all-beige food. Step up the pace of my daily exercise walk. See a man stripped to the waist lying face down in the park. He removes his earphones to inform me “Doing pressups”. We both know that’s a fat lie.

Day Four: Have arranged drinks either side of the hedge with the neighbours tonight. Will be our first date ever, so that’s progress. Had resolved never to be shallow again, but going grey by the hour, help, and hair seems exhausted. Have argument four: why can’t either of us, but mainly him, download Houseparty?