OUT AND ABOUT
If you stumble across a new, relatively unknown scrap of green space in your area, you should treat that discovery in the same way you would finding El Dorado, a hidden beach on holiday, or a bag of bloodsoaked cash in a hedge: only tell the people you trust most of all, make sure you’re never followed to it, and understand that if it seems too good to be true, you’re probably trespassing.
From puzzles to macramé, people have been getting into some maddeningly esoteric hobbies over lockdown. This may overlap with the new era.
Do not be alarmed if somebody turns up at the park or beach with their new self-whittled croquet set, £3,500 fly-fishing kit (box fresh), inflatable kayak or recently adopted rescue pony. We’ve all been bored.
Social distancing sombreros – that create a strict 2m radius around your head – are now perfectly acceptable accessories for any outside engagement. Permitted alternatives may include spinning a hulahoop around your body wherever you go, wearing giant clown trousers and braces, and purchasing a sturdy Victorian crinoline. Your personal space is
not for sharing.
Think about loos even more than you did already. Whatever you do, wherever you go that’s not a private home, remember that you will not be able to use a lavatory. For some, this will simply be a case of training their bladder to become ironclad. Others might alter their tipple of choice – red wine instead of lager – or risk crippling dehydration. And the rest of us will just build up a mind palace of secluded wooded areas safe enough to visit without risking arrest for public exposure.
(There may be information about such areas available on online forums already, but
I wouldn’t search that on a work computer...)