And now, a note from your head teacher...

St Thomas’s Mixed Infant School – Monday June 1. Headmistress: Good morning. It’s so lovely to see you all. For this assembly I am speaking to you on Zoom. If Miss Cuthbertson could return Louis to his designated area, behind the Perspex barrier, that would be super. Does anyone know how far we need to stay apart to stay safe? Emmeline? Emmeline: Free years 14. Head: Very nearly, Emmeline. Well done! It’s actually two metres, which is about as tall as a very tall daddy. Not that everyone has a very tall daddy. Or a daddy at all (nervous laughter). In fact, a small mummy standing on a chair would work just as well. That is why you are all in bubbles of 15.

Emmeline (in tears): I wanna be in a bubble with Olivia!

Head: I’m sorry, Emmeline. Stay within your chalk square, there’s a good girl. FREDDIE! Don’t touch the books, please. Now, can anyone tell me why we can’t touch the books?

Louis: Cuz virus can kill my grandad.

Head: Great answer, Louis! Louis: My mum says my grandad’s an old alky and we get his house if he dies.

Head: I’m quite sure Mummy doesn’t mean that, Louis. No, Freddie you may not go to the loo. Children, from today we have a New Normal Toilet Rota. Bubble 2, Freddie’s, can’t use the loos till half past nine. Your first lesson with Miss Cuthbertson is washing our hands. Then we will eat our lunch outside because the hazmat suits for the dinner ladies are stuck in Taiwan. EMMELINE! Do not hug Olivia. Miss Cuthbertson, can you return Olivia to her bubble please?

Miss C: Sorry, I feel I have inadequate PPE to carry out that intervention.

Head: Yes, Louis, what is it? Louis: Freddie done a wee-wee in our bubble, Miss. Miss C: Did you hear that? Head: Hear what?

Miss C: Emmeline sneezed. Head: Dear God. Children in Bubble 2 need to self-isolate immediately. We’ll call your parents to collect you. Freddie don’t touch Louis with your wee-wee hand! See you all in a fortnight!