Burnt out by home schooling? Here’s how to keep going
How can parents get through another 12 weeks at home? Maria Lally talks to the experts
Since I’ve been home schooling my two daughters, aged nine and seven, there have been many low points. But none beat my friend’s recent experience: while on an important video call, where she was just about to close a huge deal, her threeyear-old appeared cuddling the family hamster who had died the previous day and had been hidden away, awaiting burial in the back garden.
“Look, Mummy, I think Sprinkles is still alive!” said her daughter (she wasn’t). Without missing a beat, my friend gently wrestled the dead hamster out of her daughter’s hand while continuing with the call, holding poor Sprinkles out of sight from her bosses and fielding homework questions from her eight-year-old.
Parents have now been home schooling for 12 long weeks. On June 1, some UK schools started welcoming back children in reception and Years 1 and 6, but many schools are only offering part-time, week on/week off places, or pushing back the opening to who knows when.
Many probably won’t be going back until September at the earliest. And they’re starting to burn out.
“It’s like parents, especially working ones, are half way through a marathon and they’re hitting the wall,” says Dr Elizabeth Kilbey, a consultant clinical psychologist who appeared on the Channel 4 documentary The Secret Life of 4 and 5 Year Olds. “They’re exhausted, the early adrenalin has worn off, and with 12 tiring weeks under their belts, they have roughly another 12 to go. Parents will also have the added challenge of even less help from teachers, in terms of online lessons, because they’ll be focusing on the year groups who have gone back. And they’re burning out.”
So, how can we overcome it?
Be realistic about the ‘school day’
“I speak to parents who are worried their children aren’t at the kitchen table, ready to go, by 9am,” says Andrea Chatten, an emotional and behavioural psychologist and founder of Unravel. “But parents, who may also be working and caring for other siblings, shouldn’t try to recreate a school environment at home. There’s no need for children to work between 9am and 3pm.”
Instead, Chatten recommends families work out their own schedule. “The timings of the school day don’t necessarily work with a child’s body clock, especially older ones and teenagers. So soften the rigid edges of what you think a ‘school day’ looks like.”
Take plenty of breaks
Cathryn*, a Year 6 teacher and mother of three, tells me: “A Year 5 child can focus fully for 30 minutes before they need a break. This rises to about 45 minutes for a Year 6 child. So don’t expect children to sit and work for two hours straight. At school, we factor in regular movement breaks and brain breaks. It’s the same for working adults, who usually take natural brain and movement breaks in the form of doing a tea run, or coffee with a colleague.” So break often and regularly.
And have a cut-off point, says Jillian Lavender, founder of the London Meditation Centre and mother to a seven-year-old: “It’s tempting to try to be all things to all people, and home school during the day and work at night. But this will quickly lead to burnout,” says Lavender, who suggests cutting your day into school and work chunks instead.
Accept this isn’t ideal for kids either
As hard as home schooling is for parents, it isn’t ideal for children either. “Home isn’t where most children want to learn,” says Chatten, but rather a place where they’ve felt relaxed and safe. “Suddenly it’s been invaded by work and timetables. Twelve weeks in, many children will have lost motivation and parents will be suffering from ‘motivation fatigue’, which is where you feel exhausted trying to be someone who constantly cheers them on. It’s fine to drop that act and express to them how tiring you’re finding this, too.”
“June is always the toughest time of the year academically to inspire and motivate kids,” says Cathryn. “It’s sunny, they’re checking out. And they’re not even getting the fun stuff, like summer trips or end of year discos.”
“Whenever behaviour starts to fray, instead of yelling, try to have empathy,” says Lavender. “Ask yourself, what are they feeling? Are they missing their friends, do they need a day off? Having empathy will also help you feel calmer.”
Look after yourself
My friend Kate, who has two sons aged eight and 10, says: “My husband and I have always been a couple where fitness has a huge impact on our mental health, so we encourage each other to exercise outdoors every day, which also provides alone time and a chance to recharge our batteries.”
Lavender says wrung-out working parents, who are “currently juggling the role of teacher, family chef, comforter and employee”, should get “air and hydration” every day. “I recently had a blood test, in preparation for when I’ll be seeing clients again, and the woman who did it said nearly every person she’s tested is dehydrated, which causes fatigue. Pre-lockdown, you were probably drinking more water. Parents tend to feed and water everybody else before themselves, so drink a large glass of water when you’ve finished reading this and you’ll feel less burnt out.”
Hire a tutor
I did this for my youngest in week four of lockdown and it’s worth every penny, because for one hour a week she’s getting the undivided attention of a woman qualified to teach, rather than a half distracted one who isn’t. It also gives me an hour to crack on with my work.
The use of private tutors – who usually deliver lessons on Zoom or Skype – has boomed in lockdown. Tuition firm The Profs, which tutors schoolchildren and university students, found user numbers rose from 5,000 to 32,000 in the first two weeks. Or try tutorful.co.uk, which matches children with tutors and has seen a 100 per cent increase in online tutoring.
Share the load
According to a new study from
The Institute for Fiscal Studies and University College London that interviewed 3,500 families, mothers are doing more chores and home schooling in lockdown than fathers. The study also found that mothers could work interrupted by children for an hour, while fathers managed three hours. My advice? Swap work stations occasionally. Most fathers I know work in garden offices or studies, while the mothers work from kitchen tables, meaning children gravitate to them.
Secondly, get grandparents involved if you can. Academics have recently said children should call their grandparents for history lessons to help with schooling and combat loneliness. Dr Sam Willis and Prof James Daybell from the University of Plymouth have
Soften the rigid edges of what you think a ‘school day’ looks like
set over-the-phone projects as part of a series of home-schooling podcasts called Histories of the Unexpected.
Lower your standards
Chatten recommends relaxing your screen time rules (if you haven’t already). “My children are 16 and 18, and if going on screens means I can have time to myself or finish some work, then that’s OK.”