The corona cans and can’ts
So is everyone perfectly clear on what we’re allowed to do today? I thought so. Here is the latest: CAN: Have your hair cut – but only by the dog groomer. Although not in Wales or Scotland.
CAN’T: Join a gathering of more than six – unless you are hell-bent on overthrowing capitalism in which case you can meet thousands in Hyde Park and chuck things at the police. CAN: Go to work if the R rate is between 0.6 and 0.9 – unless you are too busy shopping. But not in Wales where you can only travel five miles and the shops are shut.
CAN’T: See your grandchildren if you are married and they live in another household.
CAN: See your grandchildren if you are a single-person household (surprisingly easy to throw out your husband/wife of 40 years – tell them you’re only following government guidelines and they should settle down).
CAN’T: Travel on public transport without wearing a mask, even if your glasses steam up and you miss your stop. Masks should not be worn in Wales. The minute you cross the River Severn, you can rip off your face covering and cough as much as you like. But only in Welsh.
CAN: Board a packed flight from Luton to Larnaca, but if you want to go to church you must pray alone. CAN’T: Take your GCSES or A-levels or go to a theatre but you can visit a zoo. Although not in Scotland.
CAN: Open your non-essential shop so long as you put in place ugly and alienating Covid-secure measures that make your business totally unviable. CAN’T: Attend that university. There are plans to get universities up and running by the autumn of 2021, but ONLY if lecturers have got to the front of the queue in Bicester Village and paid for their Mulberry tote bag. CAN: Have a summer wedding. Maybe. The Government will be letting us know as early as November. CAN’T: Kiss the bride. The best man will pass the ring to the groom on a pole measuring no less than 6.56168ft. How nice that we can all continue to navigate the Corona crisis with no whiff of suspicion that the powersthat-be don’t know their Rs from their elbow.
Allison Pearson will be online at telegraph.co.uk/you-are-not-alone from 10am today