Finally, night owls have one over on pesky larks
People at twice the genetic risk for Alzheimer’s are one per cent more likely to call themselves early birds – and I, for one, am ecstatic. This is not, of course, because I would wish such misery upon anyone, but because – as an extreme owl – I am sick and tired (so tired) of morning bores being thought to have it all their way.
From infancy, I have found mornings intolerable. Afternoons find me a tad vague. I begin to feel human from 6pm. My first and only wind occurs at 10pm. By midnight, I am fully functional; at which point I drug myself into a coma in order to operate in our lark-orientated world. Now, as I zombie lurch towards my half century, my leanings are so established that – when I did once rise before 8am – it became known as “the miracle of July”. Nothing good happens before midday and I don’t see why any of us should pretend otherwise.
To compensate for their complete lack of cool, larks have promulgated a stream of cockcrow propaganda. Not only do early birds claim to catch the worm, they have healthier BMIS. They are perkier, less depressive and/or lonely. They procrastinate less, take fewer risks, are more proactive, co-operative, reliable, conscientious and persistent, scoring lower on IQ, yet higher in exams.
All of which leaves we creatures of the night as unwholesome goth maniacs, possessed of vast stamina yet scant energy, good brains yet little focus, more likely to die prematurely as we stagger about in a permanently jet-lagged funk. Think: priggish Mary Poppins versus Doors vocalist Jim Morrison, once booze had transformed him from swivel-hipped lizard king into rock’s big beast.
One chooses one’s people. I would rather be burning the midnight oil with Winston Churchill, Simone de Beauvoir and Elvis Presley than at a breakfast meeting with Richard Branson, Gwyneth Paltrow and Anna Wintour. Besides, not only do female night owls suffer less Alzheimer’s, we also enjoy more sex, yet fewer long-term relationships, which strikes me as a particularly winning deal.