‘Sharing about my stillborn son has helped us – and others’
Vulnerability is something we all experience, yet few of us acknowledge. It’s for this reason that I take my hat off to Chrissy Teigen and John Legend. Seeing the photos they shared this week, cradling their son Jack, their faces etched with agony, reminded me of my own experience of losing a baby.
Although I have talked about it honestly, in the six years since my son Willem was stillborn, I didn’t have the guts to share pictures. In fact, I don’t have any pictures where I’m holding him, something I now regret. In the grip of shock, it never occurred to me.
No one ever prepares you for what it’s like to meet your child after they have died. There seems to be a widespread assumption that if you don’t talk about baby loss, it’s less likely to happen, a sentiment that is as ridiculous as it sounds. The trouble with this stigma is that parents who experience the loss of a baby urgently need help, but because no one talks about it, they feel utterly alone.
I’m sure there are people who view this couple as attention-seeking over-sharers. Teigen in particular has been brazenly honest about their life, even sharing her favourite sex positions. They announced this, their third pregnancy, in a music video and kept their followers updated. But this is who they are and this is what they do. Why should they be silent, and endure the “shame” of baby loss shrouded in a media blackout?
The feedback I’ve had from sharing my story has been overwhelmingly positive; only this week I had an email from someone thanking me for helping her through the difficult time after her son was stillborn. Only once have I been accused of emotional blackmail after confiding in someone how hard I find August, the month Willem died. My response was to sob for about six hours, but clearly those tears needed to be shed. And then I read the hundreds of empathetic comments I receive and I’m reminded that being honest about the bad times is far more important than sharing the good times.
Willem would be six now and not a day goes by when I don’t regret the fact that he’s not bringing more chaos to our already chaotic house. But, while he’s not with us in person, he’s a part of our narrative and is mentioned often. It has dawned on me that a person only truly disappears when they are forgotten, so using our experience to raise awareness of baby loss feels like the right thing to do, in the hope that knowledge is power – in terms of prevention and support.
Chrissy and John can’t change the fact that little Jack didn’t get to be a physical part of their family, but their honesty and bravery will have helped thousands who feel isolated in their own experience of baby loss.