Does grief have a place on social media?
As Chrissy Teigen posts of the loss of her baby, Rosie Green explores why we now share once private agony
Don’t air your dirty linen in public. It wasn’t that long ago when life events such as miscarriage, heartbreak and mental breakdowns were only shared behind closed doors because, why would you share such intimate and private moments with anyone but those closest to you?
Yet today, no topic is deemed too private to post on Instagram or other social platforms. The raw grief shared by Chrissy Teigen and John Legend, who posted scenes from Teigen’s hospital bed following the stillbirth of their third child has already been witnessed and “liked” by over six million strangers and counting.
The upsetting images and devastated words posted on social media felt straight from the heart. It was a truly private moment taken public. But while many applauded the couple for sharing their grief and raising awareness, others questioned this compulsion to reveal such private heartache so quickly. Did they stop and pause before they pressed send? What purpose did it serve for them? To help those going through a similar situation feel less alone? To tell their truth before another outlet beat them to it?
Did they consider that for as many people it would help, there would be thousands more reminded of something they didn’t want to live through again? Did they do it because, as a couple who already share so much, to not share this would feel disingenuous? Are there parts of their life they don’t share, which wouldn’t garner much sympathy?
Along with an outpouring of love and compassion, Teigen’s followers have also commented asking why her photos were posed and turned black and white, and said how “inappropriate” it was she was wearing so little when sharing so much. Because, when it comes to social media, is there a level of dishonesty to all the honesty?
I know how this feels because I, too, have put myself and my rawest emotions out there for public consumption. Why do I do this? I was born without a filter. Intent on documenting the funny, messy, painful reality of life, I wrote a popular column for a glossy magazine for 10 years about the chaotic experience of family life. Women told me it made them feel better about their imperfect existence.
So when my marriage imploded, I felt I had no choice but to also share the gut-wrenching, shower-sobbing, agonising torture that came with this blindsiding break-up. I hated the idea that we should all suffer in silence. I believe if you bring these issues into the light you remove some of the fear and the shame. And that healing comes from hearing others’ stories. I am sure Teigen is finding some solace scrolling through those sharing their own experiences with her.
But I admit that I share for selfish reasons. In the dying throes of my marriage I lost so much of myself that by telling my story, I felt stronger. It also satiated my innate need to connect with people, to relive what was happening to me through them. But there are downsides. When I press publish on a personal post, I feel fear. Fear that I will be judged. Fear that those I love will be offended. Sometimes I reveal stuff to thousands of strangers that I haven’t been brave enough to say to those closest to me. I cannot pretend that this isn’t weird.
My friends have a love/hate relationship with my Instagram. Though I consider it to be a very real reflection of me, they all say there is a disconnect, that it isn’t the “real me”.
Why? Because while I detail how I feel terrible, and vanity won’t allow me to actually look terrible in public, so I am considerably more groomed on my social media platforms than I am in reality. I’m also aware that I edit out some bits of my life (stuff about my kids, a burgeoning relationship) and hype up the other elements (spas, cocktails).
And when you post something deeply intimate, there is always that worry that you will be always be defined by it. Haunted forever more by the tragic thing that once happened to you. Sometimes I worry how those who follow me will react once I have “healed”.
I do not doubt that there are things in Teigen’s life which she has chosen to hold back. Things that are so sacred she won’t allow strangers in to judge or comment on. But mostly it’s all there. If it helps others feel less alone, releases them from shame, makes them feel it’s OK to talk and gives them hope, well, then I wish her luck. Today, there really is no such thing as Too Much Information.