Sir Keir draws curtain on the man he wanted to see in Downing St

Well, it’s official. Cheeriohhhh, Jeremy Corbyn. The regular pundit on Iranian state television has been mullahed. The “Absolute Boy” has been Cor-binned, the spell of Magic Grandpa broken. At future PLP meetings, he’ll be present but not involved. This ex-leader of the opposition is now an ex-parrot.

And all it took was a slight weakness for laying wreaths for terrorists, defending anti-semitic murals, claiming that Zionists don’t understand English irony, a “whitewash” anti-semitism report, general election defeat, a second damning investigation by the EHRC, and more. But better late than never, I suppose.

Speaking from Labour HQ yesterday, Starmer adopted a sombre tone, perfectly suited to the Dies irae in store. “I found this report hard to read, and it is a day of shame for the party.”

To British Jews, he promised: “Never again will Labour let you down.” Labour members who “think there is no problem with anti-semitism in the party, that it’s all exaggerated, and it’s a factional attack” are “part of the problem too”, he insisted.

These last words spelt curtains for the man to whom, just a year ago, Starmer was campaigning to give the nuclear codes and control over the Army and economy. For Corbyn had spent the morning almost daring Labour to withdraw the whip. He greeted the release of the report with an insouciance bordering on the self-destructive, issuing a statement portraying the flagging up of antiSemitism as... a factional attack on him. “One anti-semite is one too many, but the scale of the problem was also dramatically overstated for political reasons by our opponents inside and outside the party as well as by much of the media,” he said, proving the maxim that anything before the word “but” doesn’t count.

This was behaviour reminiscent of the disgruntled employee. From then on, Starmer’s hands were tied. After all, one anti-semite is one too many. The fact that Corbyn ultimately doomed himself is a matter of (English) irony so delicious that only the most expansionary ultra-zionist could fail to spot it.

Now the Herculean labour of cleaning up the party can begin. Previously, the strategy had seemed less the full-scale cleansing of the Augean stables, more the vain decapitation of a few of the hydra’s many heads, leaving double the number springing up in their stead. Time and again some crank councillor would be suspended after sharing a Rothschildian conspiracy theory or blood libel meme, only to be quietly reinstated shortly afterwards.

Labour’s decision may have been overdue, but it was still a noble one, with the potential to spark full-scale civil war. Early rumblings are already under way. “I will strongly contest the political intervention to suspend me,” tweeted Corbyn, to corresponding cries of “O Captain! My Captain!” from the nuttier fringes of the Labour.

For reasons best known to the Faithful, perhaps because of the shared initials, Jeremy Corbyn has long inspired Christ-like reverence among a certain section of the Left. Watching them spend the next few years plotting the second coming of Jezza could prove as exasperating as it is amusing. But in these dreary times, we must take our pleasures where we can.